Асами
Tomomi is sitting on a grass slope. It’s midsummer, a week after Nathan’s twenty-second birthday. She is sitting under a gnarled tree, leaning into it with her back and watching the river flow in the nicely beaming at its waters sunshine. There’s nature all around and all around is full of life. And the grass of the hill is so bright and green and the tree is so strong. But she can feel with her back the horribly scarred skin of the bark as she presses into it in her grief.
* * * They are finally together though in a different form.
Tomomi looks up at the sky. What was she most afraid of when she was accompanying Nathan on his journey? She remembers she first got really afraid when she was waiting with Nathan for Gabriel to come to the cave as they had agreed after that mess of a fight for the Fairborn. Nathan was starting to lose hope and it was hard, hard to see him waiting day after day and resisting the obvious conclusion. Then Tomomi couldn’t bear it an took a peek in the future and saw there Gabriel speaking to someone and, enormously relieved, returned to Nathan, trying to let him feel through at least her presence there and her knowing that he is alive.
Then the wonderful days followed. Can one call them wonderful at all? When you’re being hunted, when the person you care about is at risk of death, when you have to be careful with everyone and everything because any mistake will get you dead. And all you scars, that hurt, not so much on your flesh but on your soul, your memories. And still… there are people by your side who you can trust, and the one who you trust wholeheartedly and entirely. And Gabriel is alive and he loves you and is with you and says he will be with you wherever you go or whatever you do and you know that will be so, because you trust him fully. If only you could then respond with the same love… It hurts to think of how painful it was to Gabriel to watch you and Annalise. To be treated with almost indifference. While he gave you everything. Not to have anything in return, for he just loved you and that was the only way for him.
The first Black Witch who Nathan met. And we went on learning all the gentleness and kindness and the loving heart that he possessed. And his strength of spirit and will, and self-composure and selflessness, and nobility of thinking and manner. If those who claim themselves to be “white” could pride themselves on being at least the little bit of it!
The next time Tomomi grew afraid after the battle when Marcus perished. She grew afraid of Nathan and what he was becoming, and she couldn’t but see that Gabriel was in even greater pain to watch it being unable to do anything for Nathan didn’t talk to him anymore, seemed not to trust him anymore. Seemed to trust some vision of his more than what he knew of Gabriel and his feelings and what he felt in his caring patient attitude everyday but didn’t pay much attention to. I was really terrified when Gabriel told that he is tired of Nathan, of the person he is turning into, almost swearing, sulking, murderous, vindictive, egoistic. His white part of soul was being taken over by his hatred and suffering and pain. But that couldn’t be the excuse. You have to fight for what you are, for what you want to be, not accept the one you’re pushed, pressed to be.
And Nathan goes, and is beginning to realize slowly how necessary it is to have you, Gabriel, by his side, and he hurries back to the camp – and at the moment I was so frightened that he would return and the would be now camp but a carnage and Hunters bullets and…and he returns and the camp is as it had been when we left it and Gabriel is there by the fire. And Nathan says sorry. For the first time.
And Tomomi watches them go to Camp One, watches them lose more people and among them – the friend, watches Nathan vision come true. Vision in which Gabriel seemed to kill him but that turned out to be Gabriel crying for him, struggling for his life, struggling to keep him alive, make him survive despite all the lethal wounds, despite anything. And his eyes are full of tears when you, Nathan, wake up.
You go to Mercury’s bunker and it feels like you are closer now. Nathan, you talk to Gabriel again not all but more than you used to during the last three months. And vision is behind you, and you know that it was wrong to think of Gabriel the way you had been inclined to because of it, and again you trust him entirely. But now there is more to it. Something that makes you wish him desperately close, so much close, even closer than he always is, not just by your side but together completely. And you say sorry, as you have always meant to, and try to be nice – first time since the war started, first time since you found Annalise. And now you’re desperate for him to respond and you are desperate waiting. And he touches you and forgives you. And you’re finally together, and you feel happy and I’m sure Gabriel does too.
And you see another vision. A river. A wood. A grassy slope. A shining sun. And you two, sitting there at peace, closer than ever, together.
Later when Nathan and Gabriel go to Ledger’s place, you tell him, that you will always be his friend and it makes you wonder whether Gabriel who seriously answered ‘I know’ would have liked some other words from you then. But he accepts you as you are. Just as you are, demanding nothing, but giving all.
At Ledger’s you’re at peace. A short break that might remind of the time when you were sixteen yet and at Mercury’s cottage waiting with Gabriel for your birthday, when you hated to kill even your enemies, just wanted to be free. When you was eager to be nice to that nice and gentle Black Witch who accidentally got stuck in a fain body, the first friend, so dear…
And then there at night you realize that you love him. More than anything or anyone, more than you thought you can. He makes you a better person.
And you make him the Gift.
An in the morning Gabriel, never having expected it, hardly believing it, accepts it. And you are now even more together than ever before.
But with you becoming invincible and with Gabriel being completely let into your heart, I star to fear the possibility of two outcomes of the final fight that you’re going into.
One is that you are caught and the Alliance are caught, and Gabriel is caught and you are being threatened to see them, him tortured and killed and you can’t, just can’t let that happen and you follow their orders and do horrible things and, lose all the right you believed in and all the hope you had, and you lose yourself forever.
Possibility two is that while you’re invincible your dearest person is not, and it is a fight – and he can’t get invisible and he can only transform and naturally fit in and he is so vulnerable – and it is a fight and Gabriel dies.
But the vision! It has to happen! It will be different in a way, but it has to, that beauty and nature al around and you two. Together. At peace. Forever.
And Gabriel dies despite you protecting him, despite you stopping time, while you shout that you love him – you said it, you did! He just has to hear it from you someday, I always wished, and he must have heard it then and felt so much in pain because of the inevitable parting with you and so happy for you saying it. If there was anything on earth that he could have done to stay alive, to stay with you, he would have done it after that words, but there was nothing. He died.
Victory. The good and right wins. And it good and right that people are not hunted anymore, not oppressed for being Half Bloods, not kept in cages for nothing, not killed, not tortured, not slaughtered. Nathan, that all is owing to you. And you’re just seventeen.
And you almost lose your sanity. And it feels in a way so wrong.
And you see Gabriel but he isn’t really there, but you don’t realize that. He is close and he talks to you and he smiles and he makes you smile. And Tomomi thought that probably it may be good that way but it feels wrong too. The illusion can hardly may you happy. It’s but memory… And you come to accept it.
You are back to you right mind but you are desperately missing Gabriel every day. You turn an animal to forget but you always turn back human to remember.
Three years pass and while for me, Tomomi, they are so short, as your memory of them, for you they must have been the tree years of pain from the never healing scar. But you think a lot, of Gabriel, of yourself, of nature, that now you come to understand better once in wilderness and in peaceful solitude. And although it is painful, you know now where the Essence is, and what there is left for you to do to be again with Gabriel, as you’ve seen in your vision.
And Tomomi weeping watched you draw portraits for your son who you’ve never seen of everyone you know. You won’t meet him because he’d better never see what brute of a father he’s got. You just can’t. May it be that Marcus had thought the same way? I feel sure that now you understand.
You are aching at heart but you are wiser now. And you’re wilder now. You get on well with Celia, spending some time with her, cooking the animal you’ve caught and having dinner with her. But you hardly talk. And when you talk, the wards are few and calm.
You finish the portraits. They are the history of your life. They are what you leave for your sun. You love you son and you wish him well. You’re like Marcus. That is you who is too bad to be there, in ‘their world’ as once called it.
And you leave the portrait of yourself. It’s a landscape. A river. Grassy hills. A meadow. And a gnarled tree, standing alone.
And it’s your birthday and you are having dinner with Celia and you say that you’re twenty-two but you feel like fifty-two. And watching you through tears Tomomi thinks that you sound like fifty-two either. Nathan, you are boundlessly sad, but you joke calmly at Celia. I feel her thinking that you seem to be much happier than before. And in good form.
And before leaving you tell her the answer you’ve found and repeat quietly “Wounded, not lost” as if to meet the one, who is waiting for the code response. And you go. And it feels like you’re going for good, having done what was left for you to do for all who are dear, and for the world where you had been found too bad to belong. Where you can’t belong now. You belong nature, the Essence – and in that all Gabriel.
And then here I am, on the grassy hill overlooking the river, leaning into the gnarled, horribly scarred tree. And it is a sad place with all the memories * * * and my heart in my chest is hurting me, but the sun shines and everything is calm and at peace, and you’re together * * *, as in your vision, but in a slightly different form.
You’re finally one. It’s a happy place.
* * * They are finally together though in a different form.
Tomomi looks up at the sky. What was she most afraid of when she was accompanying Nathan on his journey? She remembers she first got really afraid when she was waiting with Nathan for Gabriel to come to the cave as they had agreed after that mess of a fight for the Fairborn. Nathan was starting to lose hope and it was hard, hard to see him waiting day after day and resisting the obvious conclusion. Then Tomomi couldn’t bear it an took a peek in the future and saw there Gabriel speaking to someone and, enormously relieved, returned to Nathan, trying to let him feel through at least her presence there and her knowing that he is alive.
Then the wonderful days followed. Can one call them wonderful at all? When you’re being hunted, when the person you care about is at risk of death, when you have to be careful with everyone and everything because any mistake will get you dead. And all you scars, that hurt, not so much on your flesh but on your soul, your memories. And still… there are people by your side who you can trust, and the one who you trust wholeheartedly and entirely. And Gabriel is alive and he loves you and is with you and says he will be with you wherever you go or whatever you do and you know that will be so, because you trust him fully. If only you could then respond with the same love… It hurts to think of how painful it was to Gabriel to watch you and Annalise. To be treated with almost indifference. While he gave you everything. Not to have anything in return, for he just loved you and that was the only way for him.
The first Black Witch who Nathan met. And we went on learning all the gentleness and kindness and the loving heart that he possessed. And his strength of spirit and will, and self-composure and selflessness, and nobility of thinking and manner. If those who claim themselves to be “white” could pride themselves on being at least the little bit of it!
The next time Tomomi grew afraid after the battle when Marcus perished. She grew afraid of Nathan and what he was becoming, and she couldn’t but see that Gabriel was in even greater pain to watch it being unable to do anything for Nathan didn’t talk to him anymore, seemed not to trust him anymore. Seemed to trust some vision of his more than what he knew of Gabriel and his feelings and what he felt in his caring patient attitude everyday but didn’t pay much attention to. I was really terrified when Gabriel told that he is tired of Nathan, of the person he is turning into, almost swearing, sulking, murderous, vindictive, egoistic. His white part of soul was being taken over by his hatred and suffering and pain. But that couldn’t be the excuse. You have to fight for what you are, for what you want to be, not accept the one you’re pushed, pressed to be.
And Nathan goes, and is beginning to realize slowly how necessary it is to have you, Gabriel, by his side, and he hurries back to the camp – and at the moment I was so frightened that he would return and the would be now camp but a carnage and Hunters bullets and…and he returns and the camp is as it had been when we left it and Gabriel is there by the fire. And Nathan says sorry. For the first time.
And Tomomi watches them go to Camp One, watches them lose more people and among them – the friend, watches Nathan vision come true. Vision in which Gabriel seemed to kill him but that turned out to be Gabriel crying for him, struggling for his life, struggling to keep him alive, make him survive despite all the lethal wounds, despite anything. And his eyes are full of tears when you, Nathan, wake up.
You go to Mercury’s bunker and it feels like you are closer now. Nathan, you talk to Gabriel again not all but more than you used to during the last three months. And vision is behind you, and you know that it was wrong to think of Gabriel the way you had been inclined to because of it, and again you trust him entirely. But now there is more to it. Something that makes you wish him desperately close, so much close, even closer than he always is, not just by your side but together completely. And you say sorry, as you have always meant to, and try to be nice – first time since the war started, first time since you found Annalise. And now you’re desperate for him to respond and you are desperate waiting. And he touches you and forgives you. And you’re finally together, and you feel happy and I’m sure Gabriel does too.
And you see another vision. A river. A wood. A grassy slope. A shining sun. And you two, sitting there at peace, closer than ever, together.
Later when Nathan and Gabriel go to Ledger’s place, you tell him, that you will always be his friend and it makes you wonder whether Gabriel who seriously answered ‘I know’ would have liked some other words from you then. But he accepts you as you are. Just as you are, demanding nothing, but giving all.
At Ledger’s you’re at peace. A short break that might remind of the time when you were sixteen yet and at Mercury’s cottage waiting with Gabriel for your birthday, when you hated to kill even your enemies, just wanted to be free. When you was eager to be nice to that nice and gentle Black Witch who accidentally got stuck in a fain body, the first friend, so dear…
And then there at night you realize that you love him. More than anything or anyone, more than you thought you can. He makes you a better person.
And you make him the Gift.
An in the morning Gabriel, never having expected it, hardly believing it, accepts it. And you are now even more together than ever before.
But with you becoming invincible and with Gabriel being completely let into your heart, I star to fear the possibility of two outcomes of the final fight that you’re going into.
One is that you are caught and the Alliance are caught, and Gabriel is caught and you are being threatened to see them, him tortured and killed and you can’t, just can’t let that happen and you follow their orders and do horrible things and, lose all the right you believed in and all the hope you had, and you lose yourself forever.
Possibility two is that while you’re invincible your dearest person is not, and it is a fight – and he can’t get invisible and he can only transform and naturally fit in and he is so vulnerable – and it is a fight and Gabriel dies.
But the vision! It has to happen! It will be different in a way, but it has to, that beauty and nature al around and you two. Together. At peace. Forever.
And Gabriel dies despite you protecting him, despite you stopping time, while you shout that you love him – you said it, you did! He just has to hear it from you someday, I always wished, and he must have heard it then and felt so much in pain because of the inevitable parting with you and so happy for you saying it. If there was anything on earth that he could have done to stay alive, to stay with you, he would have done it after that words, but there was nothing. He died.
Victory. The good and right wins. And it good and right that people are not hunted anymore, not oppressed for being Half Bloods, not kept in cages for nothing, not killed, not tortured, not slaughtered. Nathan, that all is owing to you. And you’re just seventeen.
And you almost lose your sanity. And it feels in a way so wrong.
And you see Gabriel but he isn’t really there, but you don’t realize that. He is close and he talks to you and he smiles and he makes you smile. And Tomomi thought that probably it may be good that way but it feels wrong too. The illusion can hardly may you happy. It’s but memory… And you come to accept it.
You are back to you right mind but you are desperately missing Gabriel every day. You turn an animal to forget but you always turn back human to remember.
Three years pass and while for me, Tomomi, they are so short, as your memory of them, for you they must have been the tree years of pain from the never healing scar. But you think a lot, of Gabriel, of yourself, of nature, that now you come to understand better once in wilderness and in peaceful solitude. And although it is painful, you know now where the Essence is, and what there is left for you to do to be again with Gabriel, as you’ve seen in your vision.
And Tomomi weeping watched you draw portraits for your son who you’ve never seen of everyone you know. You won’t meet him because he’d better never see what brute of a father he’s got. You just can’t. May it be that Marcus had thought the same way? I feel sure that now you understand.
You are aching at heart but you are wiser now. And you’re wilder now. You get on well with Celia, spending some time with her, cooking the animal you’ve caught and having dinner with her. But you hardly talk. And when you talk, the wards are few and calm.
You finish the portraits. They are the history of your life. They are what you leave for your sun. You love you son and you wish him well. You’re like Marcus. That is you who is too bad to be there, in ‘their world’ as once called it.
And you leave the portrait of yourself. It’s a landscape. A river. Grassy hills. A meadow. And a gnarled tree, standing alone.
And it’s your birthday and you are having dinner with Celia and you say that you’re twenty-two but you feel like fifty-two. And watching you through tears Tomomi thinks that you sound like fifty-two either. Nathan, you are boundlessly sad, but you joke calmly at Celia. I feel her thinking that you seem to be much happier than before. And in good form.
And before leaving you tell her the answer you’ve found and repeat quietly “Wounded, not lost” as if to meet the one, who is waiting for the code response. And you go. And it feels like you’re going for good, having done what was left for you to do for all who are dear, and for the world where you had been found too bad to belong. Where you can’t belong now. You belong nature, the Essence – and in that all Gabriel.
And then here I am, on the grassy hill overlooking the river, leaning into the gnarled, horribly scarred tree. And it is a sad place with all the memories * * * and my heart in my chest is hurting me, but the sun shines and everything is calm and at peace, and you’re together * * *, as in your vision, but in a slightly different form.
You’re finally one. It’s a happy place.
@темы: книги, фэнтези, дневник, путешествия, Tomomi's story, Half Code, Half Lost, Половинный код