of a journey that followed - 6

Out of the blue, a frightening thought emerged from the depths of his heart. Within the three days, he had denied this thought over and over again, but it kept on appearing, unable to be wiped away.

Wen Qing and Wen Ning left on their own. Perhaps, he was glad, somewhere deep inside of him. Because of this, he wouldn’t have to be caught between what choice to make. They had already made the choice for him and dealt with the difficulty.

Wei WuXian raised his hand and slapped himself on the face. In a low voice, he scolded, “What are you thinking?!”

His cheek burned. He was finally able to suppress the frightening thought. Instead, he thought to himself that no matter what, at least he had to bring back the Wen sibling’s ashes.

@темы: книги, фэнтези, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

of a journey that followed - 5

With frustration Asami was listening to the discussion of Sect leaders held the midnight Wei Wu Xian helped the remaining Wen clansmen escape, leading the way.

She mused why the story of his life was called "Unrestrained" or "Untamed".
Before she rekoned it was partially beacause of his ghost-summoning skill - power which he failed to control. On the surface of it. What he really couldn't control and foresee were people. But on the other hand they where unexpectedly - to the point of utter disappointment - predictable...
Now a new idea stroke Asami. Wei Wu Xian was the one called "unrestrained" throughout the story - the later the more. And looking from the general social perspective that is exactly what he was.

Was he wrong?
Could things turn out differently if he had complied more, been more subtle, followed the norms and minded high people around and their opinion?
Sure they could.
But Asami also saw clearly that if it hadn't been for him Wen Qing wouldn't have been able to find her brother and live with him again. The Wen people wouldn't have experienced the poor settlementl life - with no money, little food but strong spirit of mutual help and unity. Even though they couldn't make it... It looked, to Asami, that it was worth it.
If Wei WuXian hadn't intruded... Hadn't given up on his social status, his comfortable life and safe social position, to help them...
There would be one good deed less in the world. Less gratitude, less love...
It happened thanks to him being unruly, untamed, unrestrained by irrational majority's will self. He fervently did what he believed was right depending on the means he had.
Ghostly Infant - his title does suit him... : )

Asami could by no means bring herself to think that he was wrong.
What are, in the end, right and wrong? Only perspectives. And Asami's one largely overlapped with Wei Wu Xian's.

@темы: книги, фэнтези, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

of a journey that followed - 4

Lan XiChen, “You believe in him?”

Lan WangJi, “I do.”

He answered without any hesitation. Wei WuXian felt his chest warm up. Lan XiChen continued, “What about Jin GuangYao?”

Lan WangJi, “Not to be believed.”

Lan XiChen chuckled, “WangJi, then how do you judge whether someone should be believed or not?”

He looked at Wei WuXian, “You trust Young Master Wei, while I trust Jin GuangYao. The fact that Brother’s head is in his hands, neither of us have seen it with our own eyes. We only believe in what another person says based on how much we know about them.”

“You think that you know about Wei WuXian, so you trust him; I think that I know about Jin GuangYao, so I trust him as well. You believe in your judgement, then am I not allowed to believe in my judgement?”
...
Lan XiChen supported his head on his hand. His voice was low, as though he was trying to hold something back, “WangJi, the version of Jin GuangYao that I know is entirely different compared to the version that you know and the version that the world knows! Throughout all these years, in my eyes, he has always been… enduring his suffer, caring for all people, treating everyone with respect. I have always believed, without a doubt, that the criticism he received from others all came from misunderstandings, that what I knew how he truly is. Now, you want me to believe, at once, that everything about this person is fake, that he planned to kill one of his sworn brothers, that I was also a part of his plan and even helped him… Could you please allow me some more discretion before I make my own judgement?”

@темы: книги, фэнтези, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

of a journey that followed - 3

He spoke, “...Brother, you’ve always yelled at me for calculating people and being too dishonorable. You say that you’re a proud, righteous person, that you aren’t afraid of anything, that propen men shouldn’t need to play with schemes. That’s fine. Your background is noble and your cultivation is high. But what about me? Am I the same as you? First, my cultivation isn’t as firm as yours. Ever since I was born, has anyone taught me? And second, I have no prominent background. Do you think that I’m in a steady position, here at the LanlingJin Sect? Do you think that I can rise into power the moment Jin ZiXuan dies? Jin GuangShan would rather bring another illegitimate child back than want me to succeed him! You think that I should be afraid of nothing? Well I’m afraid of everything, even other people! He whose stomach is full believes not him who is starving.”

Nie MingJue replied coldly, “In the end, all you mean is that <...> you don’t want your position at the LanlingJin Sect to waver.”

Jin GuangYao, “Of course I don’t!”

He looked up, unknown fires dancing within his eyes, “But, Brother, I have always wanted to ask you something—the lives under your hands are in any regard more than those under mine, so why is it that I only killed a few cultivators out of desperation and you keep on bringing it up, even until now?”

Nie MingJue was so enraged that he began to laugh, “Good! I’ll give you my answer. Countless souls who have fallen under my saber, but I’ve never killed out of my own desires, much less to climb up the ladder!”

Jin GuangYao, “Brother, I understand what you mean. Are you saying that all of the people you killed deserved their deaths?”

With courage gathered from nowhere, he laughed and walked a few steps closer to Nie MingJue. His voice raised as well, asking in an almost aggressive manner, “Then, may I ask, just how do you decide if someone deserves death? Are your standards absolutely correct? If I kill one but save hundreds, would the good outweigh the bad, or would I still deserve death? To do great things, sacrifices must happen.”

Nie MingJue, “Then why don’t you sacrifice yourself? Are you any nobler than them? Are you any different from them?”

Jin GuangYao stared at him. A moment later, as though he had finally either decided on something or given up on something, he replied calmly, “Yes.”

@темы: книги, фэнтези, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

of a journey that followed - 2

Wen Ning kneeled down in front of him.

Wei WuXian, “What are you doing?”

Wen Ning said nothing, his head hanging low.

Wei WuXian asked again, “Do you really have to talk to me like this?”

Wen Ning lowered his voice, “Young Master, I’m sorry.”

Wei WuXian, “Well then.”

Immediately after he spoke, he kneeled in front of Wen Ning as well. Startled, Wen Ning proceeded to kowtow him, while Wei WuXian soon returned the kowtow as well. Wen Ning was so alarmed that he jumped up at once. Only then did Wei WuXian stand up again, sweeping off the dirt at his hems, “You could’ve just stood straight and talked to me, you know?”
...
Wei WuXian, “Nobody can walk safely on a single-plank bridge for their whole life. It couldn’t be helped. I died from a backfire.”

@темы: книги, фэнтези, Asami's Diary, the Untammed

---

of a journey that followed

...Xue Yang asked in reply, “Then why did you stop me? Why did you hinder what I wanted to do? Why did you stand up for those dregs of the Chang Clan? You wanted to help Chang CiAn? Or Chang Ping? Hahahaha, how did Chang Ping first cry tears of gratitude? And how did he later beg you not to help him? Daozhang Xiao XingChen, this matter had been your fault, ever since the beginning. You shouldn’t have meddled with the rights and wrongs of other people. Who was right, who was wrong; would an outsider be able to understand? Or, maybe you shouldn’t have even left the mountain in the first place. Your teacher, BaoShan SanRen, was indeed smart. Why didn’t you listen to her and obediently cultivate in the mountains? If you couldn’t understand the happenings of this world, then you shouldn’t have come!”

He laughed bitterly, “Xiao XingChen, this is why I hate you. The people that I hate the most are ones like you who say they’re righteous, who think they’re virtuous, precisely stupid, naive, dumb idiots like you who think the world’s better just because you did something good! You think I’m disgusting? Very well. Would I care if anybody thinks I’m disgusting? But, on the other hand, are you in a position to be disgusted by me?”

Crestfallen, Xiao XingChen kneeled on the ground, beside Song Lan’s feet. He squeezed himself close, as though he had shrunk into a small, weak lump of something, almost hoping that he’d disappear from this world. His snowy white robes had already been covered in dust and blood. Xue Yang shouted at him, “You couldn’t do anything, you’ve failed miserably, you’re the only one to blame—you asked for all of this!”

At this moment, Wei WuXian saw himself in Xiao XingChen.

Him, who failed miserably as he stood drenched in blood, who couldn’t do anything except silently acknowledge the critiques and accusations, who was wholly beyond hope, who could only cry in despair.

He could only whimper in pain, “Please. Let me go.”
...
It seemed that Xue Yang had never expected something like this to happen. On his face, which constantly grinned, an emptiness appeared for the first time.

Xiao XingChen had died.

Even his soul had shattered.

The child in Xue Yang’s story who cried because he couldn’t eat pastries was too different from the present him. It was almost impossible to link the two together. Yet, in the current moment, Wei WuXian could finally catch a few traces of that ignorant, confused child on Xue Yang’s face.

...

“What do you intend to do afterwards?”

Song Lan wrote, “Roam this world with Shuanghua. Exorcise evil beings alongside XingChen.” After a pause, he continued, “When he wakes, say I’m sorry, it wasn’t your fault.”

This was what he couldn’t tell Xiao XingChen before he died.

In front of the city gates, Song Lan parted with them.

He still wore the dark cultivation robes. Standing alone, he carried two swords, Shuanghua and Fuxue, he brought two souls, Xiao XingChen and A-Qing, and walked another path.

Lan SiZhui stared at his leaving figure, “‘Xiao XingChen, the bright moon, the gentle breeze; Song ZiChen, the distant snow, the bitter frost’… I wonder if the two of them would be able to meet each other again.”

@темы: книги, фэнтези, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

journey's over - I

(from conversation with a friend)
Я досмотрела.
Встретила рассвет вместе с героями этой истории Странное чувство - наблюдать два рассвета...

...

...
In the dark outside the window birds were singing and insects chirring.
Asami was worn out. This two weeks were tough. Little sleep. Work involving substitute. Hot weather. Little food. And the nightly journey that in a week's time grew to occupy even the free hours of the day time. The journey that made her hair stand, at times brought her laughter, but at times - bitter tears.

Her feelings were... confused but peaceful.
All was... as it should be...

Meng Yao paid for his crimes.
Asami didn't wish him death. Far from that. She just wanted him to stop slaughtering people left and right. She would be happy if he, maimed, stayed at Gusu and spend the rest of his days with the person with whom he had alwasys been... comfortable? No, with the person who he loved and treasured, though in his own peculiar way.
But he became the victim of the lies, told by the man who, owing to Meng Yao, had lost his brother in an atrocious way.
What did the man do? Not much. Just made a scared grimace and looked behind Ze WuJun's back with "be careful!' If Meng Yao hadn't betrayed Second Brother's trust, so ultimately and irretrievably, it would do him no harm...
He paid for his crimes. In full.



The truth about Yiling Patriarch was brought to light.
Though little does Wei Ying care about public opinion, still facing blatantly wrongful charges is just not something he had to put up with any longer. What he is responsible for he will take, but standing silently under the flow of groundless accusations was just wrong and misguiding for all of them.
Now finally his name is clear.



As for his family.... Brothers reconciled.
No more misunderstanding between them.
And they are equal.
Asami was doumbfounded when she learned why Jiang Cheng got captured on that day. He wasn't reckless. At least, not mindlessly. He gave up himself for his brother, his only living brother. And paid with his golden core for that.
And now he knows that his brother gave up his golden core for his sake, gave up his right to live as he used to, to be what he used to be. He accepted a life of powerlessness and all outcomings for him. And as it turned out, the price was higher than one might new - he paid for his brother's life with his own.
But how can one say that it all was the only possible innevitable result? All what happened next was the consequence of every single decision that he made afterwards. Whenever one can come up with an excuse that one had no choice, however humble but choice is always there. And given his circumstances, Wei Ying is still responsible for what he had chosen every single time. And he knows it and doesn't blame neither his brother - unreal! - nor his fate - rediculous. Now it feels all in the past.
And they are equal. Though Wei Ying doesn't know that. But some day he will learn that. One day they will drink together with his brother as long before and the truth will escape the drunken lips. And strengthen their restored relationship even more.



And Wen Yuan lived.
What a fine kind-hearted young man he had become. Asami was so happy and proud of him. And even more - when he hugged Wwi Ying, expressing the emotion she has cradled for a long time. Lan Zhan, you have brought him up... Wei Ying's smile and look that he gave Lan Zhan was beaming with warm intense feeling... Your child. You both gave him life, you both brought him up.
You made it - a happy family.



And Wen Ning smiled.
After all the heardship and loss, he could smile. For there were people who filled you with the warm feeling and love, and cared for you and protected you and whatever happened belived in you. All those people who stood for you gave you the chance to live as everyone is meant to live - loving and caring.
You grew up, Wen Ning. Into a childishly kind and charishing ideals strong man who can stand on his own feet now.



And one more person has grown up. Nie Junior, now Nie clan leader. In years past and with sad experience accumulated he learned how to be strong on his own. How to have his way in the world to stand up for what is dear.
Asami found herself prod of him a little, as she believed in him.

All was... as it should be... but something was off.

- Я просто подумала...
- Он же счастливо улыбнулся) Почему ты подумала что-то другое?)
- Wei Wu Xian окликнул тихий желанный голос... Но во-первых, Lan Zhan человек слова в большинстве случаев. Если он что-то решил, то чаще всего он это доводит до конца, а не отказывается от сделанного прежде выбора.
Хотя, признаю, он допускает исключения)
В последнее время все чаще.
Но есть еще во-вторых.
Теперь он глава всех сект.На нем ответственность теперь не только за свой клан, но и за все вместе взятые. И тут он пренебрежет этим и отправится странствовать?

С другой стороны...
Странствующий, он вполне способен выполнять свои обязанности в роли защитника слабых, носителя света и лидера сект. Просто это будет не сидящий на месте лидер, а очень деятельный Какого еще мир не знал 🙃
И последняя часть его обещания, данного когда-то давно, когда они были еще совсем детьми...
В английском переводе каждый раз, как этот момент всплывал в разговоре или в воспоминаниях? слова клятвы переводились по-разному 😅
(что заставило задуматься о том, насколько же китайский язык двусмысленный и многозначный)
В одном из переводов последняя часть звучала "...чтобы я жил без сожалений"
Если бы он отпустил Wei Wu Xian, он бы об этом жалел всю оставшуюся жизнь.
Ему хватило прошлых 16 лет пытки болью утраты наравне с неопределенностью.
Обдумав все, и, самое главное, услышав мелодию, которая их связала, он не мог бы его оставить.

Знаешь, пришла к этому выводу, пока тебе писала.

Такое ощущение, что он, молча передумав, просто ходил забрать что-то, чтобы взять с собой в путешествие с Wei Wu Xian длинною в жизнь.

По правде, когда я провожала взглядом Song Lang и Xiao Xingchen, который духом шел с ним бок о бок, я подумала, как, возможно, подумал и Ah Xian: подобно ему и Lan Zhan, которые встретились спустя много лет и стали тем, чем должны были стать, - единым целым, Song Lang и Xiao Xingchen тоже когда-нибудь могут встретиться. Чтобы стать единым, без ссор, разделяя абсолютное доверие.
Темный и белый удаляющиеся силуэты...
Мне подумалось, как они похожи на Ah Xian и Lan Zhan. И то, что для них странствие после того, как все закончится, будет наиболее естественным образом жизни...

Итак, путешествие его превосходительства Несущего Свет лорда и Призрачного Дитя начинается



Thank you for letting me accompany you on your journey! With all my heart I appreciate it.

@темы: фэнтези, фильмы, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

some observations

On Meng Yao
(from conversation with a friend)

- Насть, скажи, а когда ты догадалась, кто за всем стоит?

...

- Ну...
У меня были предположения
Ещё во время сражений с кланом солнца

- А что тебя смутило в его поведении?

- Как жестоко он убил, а потом повел себя как испуганный маленький мальчик
Каясь
И говоря, что у него не было выбора
Через чур он был слабым
И не понимающим
Хотя было видно, что он знал о все особенностях и слабых местах
И бил в них
Прикрываясь маской простака и добряка

- Вот и я в такое же время.
Только когда он себя объявил в качестве шпиона, меня поразило то, насколько беспроигрышную позицию он занял - с одной стороны, он оказывает незаменимую помощь объединенной армии, однако его имя как источника информации держится в секрете. С другой стороны, он доверенное и приближенное лицо главы клана Wen. Если объединенная армия потерпит неудачу, то он ничего не потеряет - более того, сможет приписать к своим заслугам то, что заманил врага в ловушку.

Затем, когда он объяснялся перед лидером клана Nie, я подумала: пускай, может, я напрасно о нем так плохо думаю. Война, все же. Но я решила тогда, что доверять этому человеку было бы не лучшей идеей. Ведь он вот так умело вошел в доверие к одному человеку и служил ему, пока не пришел его крах, при необходимости он так же может поступить и с другим. Ведь он уже воспользовался однажды доверием не как ценностью, а как инструментом.

А дальше постепенно убеждалась в своих сомнениях на его счет.

On Lan Zhan and Ah Xian's relationship

- Я прочла в Википедии, что фильм снять по BL новелле. Не могу постичь своим умом, где в этом фильме BL? Я бы сказала. что это классическое фэнтези, в центре которого редкой красоты дружба, а так же семейные ценности. И многое другое.
Я что-то не понимаю?
Или фильм оооооочень далеко отошел от первоисточника?
Наасть?
Я спать хочу! Ответь!
У меня уже за 4 утра... 0_о

...

- Я тут!)
Стой)
Я тебе запишу аудио объяснение)
Сможешь прослушать?)
Блин
Ты ушла
Не успела)
В общем:
Это действительно так. Снято по BL новелле.
Но!
В Китае оооочень строго с этой темой. Прям совсем! До запретов и судов!
В связи с этой цензурой, здесь упор сделан именно на броманс, который пропустила китайская цензура.

Нет!От первоисточника не отошли, но... Не знаю, заметила ли ты странности за ЛаньДжанем, когда он выпивал... В общем, некоторые по настоящему BL моменты были адаптированы под броманс. Но тот кто читал новеллу... Они все прекрасно поняли... И я сама множество раз говорила, что если бы не прочитала первоисточник, я бы ничего подводного не видела!
Но и то что вышло- прекрасно! Броманс здесь потрясающий!

Но в новелле очень тонко показывали переход от неприятия к по настоящему сильной любви. Причем (СПОЙЛЕР) первый свои чувства осознал именно ЛаньДжань, а уж потом, спустя мноооого времени и намеков со стороны родственника ЛаньДжаня, УСянь дотумкал сам.
Это было шедеврально!

- Знаешь, я предполагала, что если книга раскрывает их отношения более полно, то первым полюбившим и осознавшим это будет именно Lan Zhan. Учитывая, что он для Ah Xian делал - что не делал ни для кого другого, - и как близко он его к себе подпустил - В СЕБЯ пустил, ведь Lan Zhan последовал за ним, изменил свои принципы, самого себя ради него. И то, как он заботился о нем...
А эти курицы в подарок... "Все для тебя"
Его мир вертится вокруг Ah Xian. Думаю, уже давно. Просто, чтобы осознать это, ему, похоже, нужно было пережить боль потери. Чтобы раз встретившись потом, больше ни за что не отпускать. Что бы ни стояло на кону - честь, жизнь... Он последует по мосту из одного бревна во тьму вместе с Ah Xian, если это потребуется.

А Ah Xian... Он знал, как дружить, и, возможно, как влюбляться в кого-то. То, чем он хотел стать для Lan Zhan, всегда, естественно, было другом. Поэтому ему проще представить Lan Zhan в этой роли. И напротив, допустить, что его чувства к нему несколько другого характера, ему будет сложнее - ведь то чувство, как правило, испытываешь к девушкам. Что же заставит его осознать, что это не дружба, не влюбленность, а любовь?
Вот только меня озадачивают некоторые его высказывания.
Когда он спросил у старшей сестры "Как это, когда тебе кто-то нравится?" и в ответ на ее вопрос сказал "Есть человек, который мне нравится, но не очень. Иначе это станет моими оковами"
Или 16 лет позже, в Jinlintai он сказал племяннику "Я полюбил кое-кого другого, поэтому госпожа Jin меня больше не интересует"
Было ли второе заявление сказано просто так, чтобы снять с себя подозрения?
Кого он имел в виду, когда разговаривал с сестрой?
Загадка.
Связано ли это с осознанием своих чувств? Глядя фильм, порой кажется, что нет.

On the new generation

Asami with facination observed junior cultivators following Lan Zhan and Wei Ying.

...

How reliable and dependable the two have become! And what good teachers are both! Asami was feeling proud for them. And happy that even so many years later the two are equals. They use different tecniques but their skills peculiarlly complement each other's. When they fight together it looks so natural.
Sizhui, as Wei Ying pointed out, is the most reasonable. And the most intelligent as far as Asami could tell. Also very perceptive. She wondered if he might be somewhat aware that Master Mo wasn't the Master Mo he was acting out to be. Close association with his teacher Lan Zhan must have played its part too. Sizhui also has a very gentle kind heart.
Sizhui said once "Before knowing the context of the matter, we should not pass judgement randomly." He wouldn't treat Wei Wu Xian ill just because he is Yiling Patriarch. He would be the one who would try to understand. Although so young he is quite wise.
Asami felt deep respect towards him.



On the one who carries two

Sad beyond words.

...

Asami remembered one of the first things that she learned at 13 yoears of age.
"Living through things which you can't forget. This is what's called growing up."
Song Lang seemed very aged to her when he was leaving. A strong fine young man, with almost unbearable load on his shoulders. The load of two lives. For the one could not live with it.
The one? You used to be two. Now you are...
It reminds of Lan Zhan and Ah Xian's situation. I guess that is what Ah Xian meant when wondering whether the two will ever meet again. If they will - and in their world it's far from impossible - there won't be the two, there will be the whole one.



On good and evil

...

In her travel trough the lives of Nathan and Gabriel, and even earlier, far back when she was 13 and wasn't called Asami yet, she learned one thing that staggered her.
And now she was witessing the story that made you realize the same reality again.
There is no good or bad. Only perspective.
Lan Zhan's brother Lan Xichen even put it into words. "Maybe how one judges others' personalities all depends on perspectives."
Lan Xichen is a outstanding, remarkable leader. Fair and just. By no means overbearing, by all means responsible. Understanding and gentle. Able to accept his mistakes. Truly wise.
How have he and Lan Zhan grown up to be such good personalities?
How has Wei Wu Xian grown up to be the cheerful and naughty, but kindhearted and willing-to-help-others-whatever-it may-cost-him self?
Why was his sister so glorious a lady?
Why was his brother so irritable but alwase protective?
All in different ways but they all had freedom to grow-up to know love and develop it in themselves.

Why Xue Yang turned a monstrous slaughterer?
Why Meng Yao so longs for power and acknowledgement?
They had never had a chance to know kindness when it was so crucial for them. How the world treated them back then is how they are treating the world now. Are they evil? Are they at fault? Do they deserve to be killed?
There is only perspective.

@темы: фэнтези, фильмы, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

back alive

You are breathing again.
You're back.
Even with a parody of a purpose in life. But thanks to it, you were kept busy from the outset. But once you get alone memories surge over you. So strange and distant... But vivid and not less painful. Like a dream... And the first name that escapes your mouth the first night you are back is not your brother's, anyone's...



The only person who wanted you live, wanted you in this world, in his life.
Wanted you so much that no words were needed when your eyes met. There had been no way he could mistake you.

And now it's finally the way you were meant to be.
Together, in a relationship of coplete trust. Caring for each other, supportive of each other. Keeping no secrets. Closer then ever. Two acting as a whole one.

And more and more often Asami could glimpse a sincere smile on Ah Xian's face.
Even if he said Lan Zhan that the choices he had made were his own and Lan Zhan didn't have to trouble himself over those, he still knew - that dear being would continue to share his burden with him.
And it must feel so strangely awesome - after standing against the whole world alone carrying too heavy a responsibility to have someone who doesn't ask your permission but naturally shares it.
And treasures you as no one else in this world. Making sure you would have your liquor when you feel like having some. Watching you closely to know you are out of a danger - at least the one you can't manage, being always there to give you help. Who trusts and respects you and wouldn't think of depriving your freedom but you doesn't hesitate now to act if you're in pain and just plainly stubborn. And you let him do it. And it must be so soothing and comfortable...



You know each other's weaknesses and pain. You accept it all. And you're just there by the other's side.



Whatever happens now this relationship will stand it.
With this unexpected chance of coming back to life again you both can finally be... happy.

Ah Xian, it's great to see how your face is clearing up.
It's amazing to see Lan Zhan speaking to you his thoughts and emotions more and more as compared to before when he used to be as silent as a rock.
And Ah Xian, it's thrilling to see that you've grown up to be aware that there are things which may not be in your power, that you've learned to deligate tasks and not try to bear everything singlehandedly.

Which is more, the world doesn't resent the being you are now. And so there may be something you can do in here.
With no Stygian Tiger Seal or anything like it you won't be viewed as a threat.
Still you used to be cosidered as one. You have to be careful. And... you have to face the outcome.

But you're not alone. And now you can even smile in the face of the brutal and unjust past.

@темы: фэнтези, фильмы, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

here... nothing's left.

You couldn't do it. You've lost control.
In the end in this mundane world that kept judging you to its twisted standards it is you still who you blame.
Where did you make wrong choices?
Why did the people you gave your life to protect have to die?
This world is hopless. There is nothing left to live for.
There is neither any way nor any reason for you to live on in this world.

So, Lan Zhan, let me go.

@темы: фэнтези, фильмы, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

a new home

Here is how their settlement started.
With nothing and no one to rely on, with no safe place to run for they headed to the place no one had ever dared come. Led by the one who had once found himself in the same situation. This is what you resort to when you can expect help from nowhere and trust none.



With a bitter grin Asami observed their everyday life in the new settlement. Or magnificent Great Sect leaders, here is the Evilest Evil you've ever known, an indiscriminate murderer, dark arts cultivator! Oh see him, he's planting 'brothers and sisters' with a child. Beware of him! He's arguing with Ah Qing whether to plant radishes or potatos.
Asami like the spirit of comradeship at the settlement. People just lived and strived to find joy in lives they could barely save. There was no pretence, no fighting with each other. Might it be that other Sects started in an alike way? That they had been nicer homy places built on trust until they didn't have to care about survival anymore and found so much time on their hand as to start bothering themselves over such notions as clan's prestige, superiority and honor.

Wei Xian, it's a nice settlement you've founded.
And friends surround you, But there are dear friends whou you cannot reach. There are family who officially severed all ties with you. There is hardly a person in the whole world, apart from the above mentioned family and friend, who doesn't condemn you or/and reckon you an evildoer.
You aren't alone. But you are lonely. And unfarely judged.
'...let others decide to praise or to blame, let gains and losses remain uncommented on. I know what I should be doing. And I can control it.'
So you said bitterly to Lan Zhan. A dear friend who came to see you and for a fleeting moment made you happy.



But... everyone has their things to do, their paths to walk. He would hardly come to visit you in your new home again.
Asami felt acutely that he was right.
Everyone was walking their paths.
Lan Zhan has his clan to take care of and hid load of responsibilities.
A Young Master Jin's servant girl who spoke up for Wei Ying when Sect Leaders were readily pouring durt on him.
Sect leader Jiang and Lady Li who remained your family in the limits they could allow not to endanger Yunmeng clan.
The general of Wen Chao. A strong clever man with impossible willpower who chose to be a servant to an unworthy man and carried it on impeccably.

And you, Ah Xian.
You have been doing well... So did Asami want to say but... You have been pretending. You weren't well. You are scared, resentful, upset, lonely, frustrated...
You never noticed you couldn't keep it under control anymore.
And now a man - not an enemy, but a father of your sisters child, a man who was doing his best to support his wife and so you! - died because of your mistake.
Your sister who is waiting longingly to see you...
Your brother who has always kept worry about you in his heart...
Lan Zhan who trusted you...
The world who have been seeking an excuse to declare you a foe...

Ah Xian.
Asami was terrified.
For the Wen's people finally settling in their eerie refuge, that has just grown to be a nicer place.
For the all few who love you.
For you! Will you be able to ever forgive yourself, Ah Xian???

Why should you have been so frightened? Why should you have relied so much on the power of resentful spirits? Why...
Asami sniffed bitterly: what else did you have to protect yourself?

@темы: фэнтези, фильмы, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

the night they fled

(from Asami's message to her friend at around 3 o'clock in the night)
Насть, знаешь...
Только что перед моими глазами Ah Xian... в такое дело влез, что пути назад ему уже нет. Не было с момента, как он взял в руки флейту и начал на ней играть, не говоря уже о появлении Ah Ning.

Пока они не прибыли в этот - концлагерь? иначе не назовешь! - пока искали его, я все повторяла: "Живи, живи, ну пожалуйста!..." Этот мальчик, который никому ничего плохого не сделал! Ребенок во взрослом теле. Я боялась, что эта будет последней каплей для Ah Xian. Он хорошо выдержал... Я бы, наверное, так не смогла...

Я рада, что Ah Ning жив. Его сестра обязана знать его лучше прочих, и если она так говорит...

Я рада, что Ah Xian бежит. С последними из клана Wen. Это так на него похоже. В этом весь он. Такой, каким он был раньше. Такой он и сейчас.

Просто сейчас он увидел мир - во всем его тщеславии, несправедливости, жестокости, бесчеловечности и лицемерии. Что лидер Wen, что возомнивший себя нынешним лидером глава рода Jin... Что подчиненные... Потому и чуждается Ah Xian пышного общества. А стоит ему среди людей появиться - и сразу он становится причиной скандала... А он виноват в том, что там, где у людей лицемерие, в нем - острое негодование к подобному?
В кругу лицемеров человек, не желающий претворяться и говорящий правду, сразу становится изгоем. Сейчас статус Ah Xian как такового лишь утвердился. Что ж, всем, возможно, так будет лучше.

Lan Zhan, а ты ожидал услышать из его уст, после всех перемен, которые в нем увидел, напоминание об обещании, данном в те светлые мирные времена? Он все тот же, и он, ты видишь своими глазами, поступает правильно.
А еще ты знаешь, что его за это осудят.



Ну что это за мир такой?
Почему люди не могут думать о вещах более важных, чем видимость, власть, превосходство?... Ведь вы все люди, и понимаете где-то внутри, что он прав. Но либо боитесь его. Либо рассматриваете его как угрозу своему авторитету. Либо как угрозу своей власти... Он слишком другой, чтобы открыто принять его слова. И никто из вас этого не делает, о могучие главы кланов! Лишь Lan Zhan смог услышать, принять, подержать... А вы?

Боюсь, одна из причин, по которой Ah Xian бросает это общество, в том, что он в нем просто разочарован. И защиту слабых, ответственность за них, он берет на себя. Этому лицемерному обществу он доверять уже не может.

Lan Zhan, ты умен, сдержан. Будь надежной опорой для Ah Xian, пожалуйста. Ты сможешь! Ты справишься - хранить чувства в себе, осторожно оказывать помощь тому, кто дорог, и тем, кто слаб, - и, в свойственной тебе манере, выходить в "люди" с невозмутимым лицом. Вероятно, на поддержку твоего брата, Светейшего лорда, так же можно рассчитывать. И на поддержку госпожи Li. Хотя влияние ее совсем невелико.

Миру нужны такие люди, как вы!
Пожалуйста, Ah Xian, Lan Zhan, будьте друг у друга! Будьте сильными!

Огромное уважение старшей сестре Li. Я не ожидала, что она, уравновешенная и тихая, спокойная и миролюбивая, вступится за своего брата и так пламенно. Что она приведет такие логичные и сильные аргументы, не преступая границы этикета. Она смогла за него постоять. До этого все время находившаяся под защитой братьев... Теперь я увидела в ней достойного помощника лидера клана. Она силой духа и умом не уступает матери. А мягкий характер может стать твердым, когда возникает необходимость. Она смогла постоять за брата, сможет постоять и за свой клан. Глубокое уважение госпоже Li.

Боюсь, ей будет очень печально узнать о том, какой путь выбрал ее брат. Но она поймет.

@темы: фэнтези, фильмы, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

for you

Pieceful times. Finally.
Home.
But something is stopping Ah Xian from being his old self. The deaths he had had to witness? All the lowliness of humans he had seen? All the darkness he had survived? All the deaths he had made to happen.
And a loss. You are not equals anymore with your brother, with anione. You're not even a weakly human. You are potentially lothsome creature who is using dark arts and showing disrespect to the righteous way of sward. There's no way you can tell them you can even hold it properly now - they'll cease counting with him at all. He can't allow that to occur.
But...
There's your sister. When you were talking with her, Asami thought how pure she was despite everything she had to go through. Of course, she experienced less then her brothers, especially Ah Xian but the dark times have their toll on everyone. Asami seemed to understand why Ah Xian doesn't shun her while he is distansing himself from his brother. She is the light. Just mild warm light - not pressing, or pushing or whatever. She just shines for him whenever he needs it. And he can just be with her cuddled in that revitalizing light. Being his old lighter self.
He is blessed with his sister and brother who love him dearly and he realizes this ones again.
And he thinks smiling 'Maybe going back to the good old times isn't that difficult'.



What's more you've got a person you like. 'Not too much' though. Not to let ot become a shackle on your neck. But when you were saying that... there was such soft expression on your face combined with a childlike naughty one - the expression you show only two people - Senior Sister and Lan Zhan...

The latter, in the meantime, is breaking family rules. With face as unperturbed as ever.
Since parting with you, he has been constantly practicing new scores for spiritual clensing. Even forbidden ones. All the time thinking of... Asami guessed, not humanity.



It's amazing how travelling through worlds of stories you can slow down when things look up, basking in peaceful times. And go to sleep while it's not yet morning. It's also funny how, on the other hand, you rush through the story when the situation deteriorates, unable to let it go.

@темы: фэнтези, фильмы, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

darker times

He was thown into the Burial Lands, without any capacity to wield magic power any more. Weak and defenceless.
He was missing for 3 months.

And he returned.
With blood and cruelty. And power. As dark as the abyss he had been in.
Asami was taken aback when she heard Wei Ying - that was what he was being called now - streightforwardly threatening Lan Zhan.



Why would he say that? As if somebody else was speaking with his mouth. But that was Wei Ying, no mistake.

Following him and his brother further she continued to contemplate. His reunion with Ah Cheng and his dear sister was very warm. He smiled and the smile was light but always somewhere in the coners of his mouth, in his eyes lurked a shade. He didn't tell neither his sister or his brother anything resembling the truth. He didn't tell outright lies though. Just evaded the conversation.

He was acting as he used to towards his family. His love to them was as strong as ever. However, he was a different person now.
He used to brim with energy and light, which were so much he was eager to share them with anyone. Now his energy core was depleted. As for the light... To be the only to come back from the Burial Grounds in history, to do so with only your heart willing you to live and keep sane in spite of anything... it must have been a diabolic effort. Now the place of the light took the very shade that shows so often on his face.



Ah Xian is ruther resistant to things that make no sense even if doing them may be prudent. He doesn't have power to wield his sward any more. There's no meaning in carrying it around. Which is suspicious. Considering the way his fatal enemies had been avanged.
If he doesn't feel that way he will leave the banquet in his honor without a word of apology.
And drink alone. He used to love to sare in lively company...

He is also smart. He understands that him practicing dark arts won't bring him acknowledgement. He antisipates he will be shunned someday, behave yourself or not. But there's no other way for him to live in that war-ridden world. He has made his choice and bares its burden with dignity. Which borders with defience at times. But he, Asami thought, is just being defensive. Because he understands what his position in society of all proper and noble is going to become.
And his body and mind are suffering.
"My heart, I control it," he snapped at Lan Zhan's stern inquiery when they first saw each other after a long time.
Might that be that your annoyance and the followed threat, and the overly confident words were a sign of you being afraid of the darkness you harbor inside and over which rule, of the toll it takes on your body, of fear not to be able to subdue it, to cope with it one day? That's why so defensive?

Fortunately you made up with Lan Zhan. Whatever happens between you you are attracted to each other. As if two pieces of the whole. While he wasn't talking to you your eye saught him and lips opened to say something but... You've changed. And so Lan Zhan's attitude to the dark you may have changed. And you say nothing.
You were sitting on the rooftop talking. It was fun to see Lan Zhan there. He was now a different man too. More willing to understand. Less willing to judge. Wiser.
And Ah Xian felt it no doubt. And After all the time since his return Asami heard his voice as it used to be. Saw the gestures he made before. Heard the familiar lively tunes in his speaking.
Ah Xian told him - only him - everything.



Could Lan Zhan have become wiser primerily because of him? To understand him?
Could Wei Ying treasure Lan Zhan in an exceptional way? To share with him his fears, his secret, to let Lan Zhan help - everything even his family aren't entrusted with. Finally, To really regain his lively self just in front of him?
Asami watched on and the feeling of the two growing to exist as a whole grew.

As long as they are together they should be alright. She wanted to believe in that.
The brightest smile ever since Ah Xian's return... How encouraging.

@темы: фэнтези, фильмы, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

don't be reckless again

Even knowing that you can't do it, if there's something wrong something is to be done.

Thus in a fierce and desperate fight Lotus Pier fell.
And three children lived. Deprive in a night of their people, their home and their family.
It was hard on all of them. Ah Li fell down with a fever. Ah Cheng blamed and ramped and nealy strangled his brother and just sat there with blank expression lost in his pain.
And Ah Xian was to look after them. He'd lost as much, he suffered too, he was blammed and he blamed himself but he was there to protect them, his dear family, the only who he had left.
And he had to be strong. He didn't have the right to droop. He made a joke to cheer up his sister. It sounded so out of place... You did your best, Asami smiled.
But the responsibility was weighing down on him. The inhumanity he had seen was a hard blow. Could you trust after a night of terror? Realizing that if you fail and trust the wrong person the weak and dear people would be done for?

Your brother was reckless and caught. And you followed him to Lotus Pier taken over by the enemy. And there you run into Wen Ning. A guy who wouldn't hurt a fly, as you well know. Who helped you out when you were in a death peril.
You lash out at him.
And Asami could just see that Ah Xian was on the verge of breaking down too. The burden of not making a fatal mistake one more time, the burden of being in charge of the calamity and his few lived family wasn't the one that he could be fine baring alone.
Ah Ning, you saved him. You saved not only his and his brother's lives, you held out your hand to his very soul. You shared his burden. You reassured him that some people could still be trusted even though they wore enemy robes. In his smothering darkness you lit up a light and showed the way to safety.

And your sister. What a strong person she is! All alone she had always protected her brother and secretly upheld her own velues. She allowed Ah Ning to grow up a nice person. You gave him the opportunity to do that amidst all the darkness you lived in.
Such she would have never turned in Wei Xian who was now just as her, alone and trying to protect those who were dear. He was pointing sward at you but he was shaking. If you had given them in he would kill you and perhaps Ah Ning, or perhaps he couldn't. But his heart would have been broken. He would be as good as dead, as a fierce spirit but not a kind and loving and caring and enegetic and lively person any more.
You saved him as well.

And gave them refuge they needed. And food, clothes, rest. You treated his brother. You took care of the reckless Ah Xian who was set to do the impossible and find the way to get his brother back his spiritual core if there was any way at all.
Asami wasn't surprise when he actually found a way. She would't be surprised if he invented it never finding one.

And there it was. A smile back on your face. And your lively manner. Ah Cheng, who had been so accusing and resentful of you, now you were brothers again. Ah Xian acting as the older one. And Ah Xian was smiling never doubting his decision. Never telling his brother the part about what his salvation would cost. It mattered little to him. Just you wouldn't be able to give him another chance for you can share your spiritual core only once.

Whatever happens, Ah Xian, stay yourself. Stay your lively and resouceful and kind-hearted self. Never break down. Please.
Remember your pray.
Rememmber the values of your family.

May it be that even darker times will come... Stay as strong as a cane. Stay yourself.

@темы: фэнтези, фильмы, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

A pray

It was late night as Asami returned from her journey.
How said it was.
It was a journey through memories of a young man who died and was summoned back. As a powerful evil spirit.
How ironic - with the lore which founder he was.

The memory... It was so light and airy and happy.
Wei Xian, witty and energetic, fooling around making those who would see realize what life really was. And it was fun. And free. And happy. With all challeges and downsides it possessed.
Lan Zhan, stuck in his house rules, experiencing life only inasmuch the limits let him do so. Friendless. Emotionless. Serene. As if!
He needed Ah Xian to notice treasures he was letting slip by unheeded. Such as freedom. And life in its bright colors. And friendship. It would take only a person like Ah Xian to make friends with that thick-skinned doll. Only a sunny soul like Ah Xian could gradually - and annoyingly - peck and bug him to break through Lan Zhan's guard and make him reveal his vulnerable and reclusive self. Who as everyone just needed someone to be with. An equal. A person he'd respect despite whatever noncense that person would spout.
Peaceful days in the Cloud Recesses. Full of light and fun. Simple student days. When they all were allowed to be kids. But the adults knew that the storm was brooding.

And clan after clan was wiped off.
And nature was toyed with.
And home of happy memories lay in ashed, one after another.
The Cloud Recesses were burned down first. And it was the Lotus Pier turn now.

They'll share the same pain, Ah Xian and Lan Zhan.

Lady Yu... Asami didn't like her firy character. She reminded her of her granny - the person who speaks in one's sake but hurts the one with her very words.
But... She was the mother who with dignity stood up for her home, her family and her clan. She was claver to see through the scheme of the Wen clan and see that there was little choice - either bow and lick boots of impertinent or/and simply silly envoys the Wen leader cared to send or fight back and stand for her clan's honor and home and believes and everything the clan upheld.
She had nerve enough to act independently under the scrutiny of the Wen parody of an envoy. She hit Ah Xian but oly as much as she herself wished.
She would not let a lowly person like that daring girl command her what punishment in her house should be. She would not turn her home over.
She fought. She took her son and the hateful adopted son - to Asami's awe - and fled to force them run away. She saved them both. She protected them both. And said to the son of Wei - protect him, even after you die. He nodded.
And soon his father did the same.
Don't cry, he said to his son. Don't cry, he said to hes daughter. Take care of them, he said to Wei Xian.
And the clan leader went away and headed for the Lotus Pier, their home to fight alongside his wife who cared for and trusted him. Who was his worthy wife.
And the two cried out and weeped, and so did Wei Xian. But with the burden of responsibility he was laid with his tears were few.
The back of his adopted father when he was sailing off was stiff. At that fleeting moment Wei Xian and the clan leader seemed alike to Asami.

Why are there people so irrational and unreasonable and just inhumanly stupid to lust for power?
To put at risk, given that they care little for anithing else, endangering first of all their own lives?

A pray sent to a calm evening sky during lectures in the Cloud Recesses 'I wish I can protect the weak and little with a good conscience'.
It seemed to Asami that soon a bloody slaughter would break out and every second would be the weak one and the two of them would never make it to protec them all...

Asami smiled sadly. What's the Yunmeng Jiang Sect motto? The belief Ah Xian was brought up with?
Even knowing you can't do it, if there's something wrong something is to be done.
So do the impossible.

@темы: фэнтези, фильмы, Asami's Diary, the Untamed

---

'Please, teach me Russian', a failure lesson and clumsy speaking

Takane-chan asked at the end of the class, in Japanese, if Russian was a difficult language.
Asami thought and said; 'It is considered to be one of the most difficult languages in the world along with Japanese and Chinese. But I'm not the one to tell. Why?
'I would like you to teach me Russian.'
Asami was glad. Shocked and happy. When she saw Takane-chan off she asked her mother if that was in earnest. And her mother said that it was. Asami asked Takane-chan to say the word that she taught her just before leaving - spasibo.
They parted there.
And the issue remained without any decision taken about it. How do they want her to teach Russian? She can't do it other way than through Unitas. And since when? She didn't inform her mother either about the possibility of studying it with Unitas. She provided no information at all. What did they think of her?
She didn't even explain why she taught her that very word of gratitude...
Well, there is a way to solve this mistake and turn it to be a lucky one.
She has got time now to try and find a textbook of Russian for children. Next time tey meet she won't have a lesson straight afterwards so she can discuss the ditailes without hurry with both Takane-chan and her mother, and she can also show books that she will have found.
She can also ask in the office about the possibility of a Russian course for Takane-chan.
And if they haven't changed their mind in week's time then it can really work out.

Next lesson followed.
'What's wrong?' Yuya asked.
Asami felt very awkward.
'It's just that when I'm speaking with students' parents my Japanese becomes very clumsy.' she explaned.
The class started fine. She asked him about his today's job, which was guarding a Chinese amassador. Then he made a report on Episode 7 of "Criminal Minds" and they discussed it. Asami warned that she was going to ask him in detales about each episode case as he said before that he can learn a lot from these series so why not to use it to the full? Yuya chuckled.
Then problems started. She checked vocabulary. Yuya didn't do quite well. And, apparently, her Japanese pronunciation was part of this outcome. After that she suggested two situations for him to provide his advice or opinion. One about a drunk man in the street trying to cross a busy road in a random place. Another about a man who had got into a fight with his buddies and comes up to him and confesses that it was himself who initiated the fight.
Asami's language was slow and... far from being a model of speaking. Why? Because she hadn't prepared! If only she had come earlier and done her homework!
They had 10 minutes left. It was the first time that she was looking at the clock and finding that she is not late but too early to finish the lesson. They did questions from an exercise at the end of the first unit which she hadn't looked through so she wasn't sure of how to use the expressions there or how to explain them.
Finally she explaned him about the 'bullet' pronunciation, compared it to 'buly' spelling it exactly like this with one L.
They finished.
Asami felt disappointed with herself. She had lost confidence. Still she decided to show Yuya the placard she had made. He found it funny.
Asami noticed that she couldn't control what language she was spreaking. That was a bad sign.
He suggested if it wouldn't work she inform the owner of the house and he take the matter to regional councel. Asami responded with yes, but I don't want to blow up a problem out of it or something to that effect. Yuya just nodded undersatandingly.
Then Asami casually took a plastic container with Belarusian sweets out of a bag and put it on the table before him. She didn't even remember what she told him at that time any more. Or in what language it was. But she remembered that he smiled and guessed and accepted greatefully without any hesitation or questions.
When they were going down the stairs they spoke about the weather and it becoming cooler.
They parted.

How shel she correct this now?
Well, first to ask for forgiveness for the poor quality of the lesson which was brought out by her being in shock after a student she taught right before that asked her to teach her her mother tongue.
Then she'd better tuch again upon the exercise they did but unsatisfactorily and explaine what she finds should be explained.
Finally she should prepare well to overlay the previous class's memory with a better one, best one.

First of all, she is a teacher. And her own interests com next.
For if she does badly in class she will feel bad and lose confidence, and her interests will matter little to her then.

There are a lot of butterflies around her house owing to the elderly man who has planted numerous flowers. It makes Asami feel really at home among her relatives - fragile creatures with light wings, vulnerable to wind but capable of staying in the air nonetheless.

@темы: дневник, Asami's Diary

---

Time-and-space race

Asami was listening to the outdoor sounds.
It was late morning and the grounds were peacefully ablaze with life. Varied tones of cicadas voices filled the air.

Recently she has been feeling an urge to draw.
What shall become her first picture?

Past two weeks went well.

The week at home was nice.
Very busy but filled with all the warmness that friendship gives. Speaking with Tania, Nadia and Yulia Asami thought how unreasonable the clockworks of her home country were. If only people put more effort in their work there wouldn't be so much businesses suffering through hard times with their survival at stake. If only people were more polite and friendly and understanding towards their co-workers a lot of problems would have been solved or wouldn't have occurred in the first place. And to her, having spent almost a year in Japan and having watched her school running, this detached attitude to work that permeated her friends' stories seemed weird.

She also went to Minsk and met with her former students. It was a very warm reunion with tea and Japanese mint chocolate in the classroom where they used to have Japanese lessons. She listened to their stories and plans, and told hers and answered their questions about Japan, and they chatted on and on while it was raining hard outside.
Varvara by the end of their gethering was looking up a little - she was in the blue when Asami met her at the station entrance. Varvara gave her a wonderful present of her drawing. And other student gave her suveniers too. It was so nice...


Then she met with Nastia - for her watch had lost time she made her wait for 40 minutes in the underground pass. Nevertheless they had an enjoyable lunch talking about work and movies and manga and books. Asami lost time together with her watch and when Nastia said that they, maybe, should be going, she got surprised - it was to early for her train. Well, she may have other business to attend to, Asami thought and decided to change her ticket for an earlier one. At the ticket office she was doumbfounded even more by the cashier saying "But your train is the next." Then a suspition dawned on Asami: "What time is it?" It was high time for her train. And her watch was still showing day.
As she parted with Nastya carrying a weighty bag of presents from her, she got on the train and started reading manga which she had just got. It was a piece of Italian history. The artist's style was nice and beautiful and it was also nice reading in Japanese. In the middle of the way three young man boarded the car and shared the compartment. They turned out to be actors and Asami enjoyed the rest of the road talking to them.


Spending every day of the week with her friends was very fun and happy but also tiring. Asami's introverted nature started longing for rest and solitude.
A weekend in Moscow gave her the opportunity to have a break with two appointments getting canseled. The Sunday she spent just reading "Kantarera", and her father was as kind as to take care of meals. He also went to buy her sponge waffles and she felt pempered like a child. It felt nice. She also helped father with computer so she was happy she could do at least something to return the kindness.
***
And back she was in Japan. And the very air, humis and hot, felt so homey.
The working week went fine.
It was dominated by three events.

First, Chihiro's summer course was over. But the last two lessons got the "tired" mark from him. Asami felt a little sad. It was the end of summer vocation for him which he had spent studying and it was no wonder that he was feeling generally tired. During her lessons when they played the ball he seemed to be having fun. Work with the book was down to minimum and he expressed exitement when they moved over to the song part. But in the end just "tired". Asami couldn't stop thinking: "Was the class too intense? Was there a better way to conduct it, to make it more fun, more enjoyable?"

Second, the usual neighbor's garbage got scattered again. During the day nobody picked it up so when she got back from work - the time was nearing 10 in the night - she did it. Next morning she made up a note as Yuya suggested and hung it at the garbage collection lot. She wanted to show it to Yuya and ask what he thought of it but she forgot to do it.


Third, Yuya. They had their class on Friday and it turned out very well. Although Asami couldn't help smiling in by no means funny places of their conversation. She guessed it was because of her being embarrassed. But it was a good lesson.
When they finished Yuya asked her in Japanese if it was her last lesson and what time she usually finished work. Asami, in Japanese as well, replyed.
"It must be hard to work that late."
"It's OK. I like my job. Though my students when asked often tell me that they wouldn't like to be teachers because it's boring. But it isn't!" Asami spoke in conversational style keeping her tone lively and light. "Do you like your job?"
"Yes, it's not bad. I like it. I think I'm cut out for it."
"Why do you think so?"
"Well, it gives me a lot of stimulus."
"But judging from what you tell me the stimulus is quite bad, isn't it? When I was listening to the story of the 13-year-old shoplifting to get parents' attention I tought: it must have been rather painful. How can you bear it doing such work every day?"
"Somehow taking sress out from time to time."
She couldn't ask more. She couldn't ask in what way for the answer may be too personal and she didn't want to be said just some about the point reply showing that it wasn't her business. By the time she had collected her things and was ready to go.
"I'm switching off the light!" She warned. Yuya moved to the door. Don't leave yet! she cried inside. Asaami turned off the light and hurriedly followed him.
They left school together taking about nothing in particular. Asami kept juggling styles making herself sound less formal and more friendly and light. When they parted bay the station Yuya said: "Take care on your way home." "Please, take care." replied Asami. She used very polite phrase.
She was happy.
Happy that Yuya stayed with her longer then just a lesson. Happy that they could talk in Japanese which ment it wasn't part of the class. Happy to have made insignificant but funny mistakes in her vocabulary. Happy to walk with him outside. Happy that he initiated everything.
She had problems falling asleep that night. She desperately wanted to be with him.
And she was scared of her feelings. She was terrified of making a mistake.

On Saturday she talked with Katia. And Katia said that she had loved Nico for 4 years having little hope of reciprocity before he showed interest in her.
That must have been hard, Asami thought. And here I am, going on about my situation when I can see Yuya every week while Katia couldn't even write to Nico. I should be wise as she was, and patient. And stop, for heaven's sake, being selfish and think of him and go with him, and be understanding. And most of all, be myself and be kind.
Let's just do what I can do for him now. And all the rest let's leave up to him. Till the end of the course when I'll have more freedom.

@темы: дневник, Asami's Diary

---

Something nice

Coming home last night Asami heard piano sounds as she was walking out of the station into the overpass.
That very day a so called "city piano" was set up by the escalator so that apparently anyone could play it. And a man was playing it. Really masterfully. His sopposedly colleagues were waiting near by.
Asami closed her eyes. The quick sounds were flowing rapidly through her tired mind and body. It was nice.
The men laughed and left.
Asami was called out from behind. Norimi-san, Natsuki-sensei and about 6 other office assistants were there waving their hands at her. Her face perhaps expressed extreme surprise for she was kindly poined that out. They were - from how they sounded - on their way to another bar and they invited her to join to but Asami said she was a little tired. That was true. She had had 5 lessons and her energy reserves seem to get depleted daily much faster than onyone others'. So at that thime her battery was running low though sh probably hadn't done as much work as other full time teachers do on regular basis.
Norimi-san and the others didn't get offended. What's more, they had some good news for her.
Mr. Shin'ichi wrote an e-mail to the office which read that he enjoyed his Wednesday visit to Unicafe. The teacher skillfully kept the ball rolling having an eye on everyone being involved.
The teacher mentioned was her, Norimi-san said.
She had been worried. She was still warried about the two high school girls whether they enjoyed it or not. They left so abruptly.
But to get a response, to hear that she did her job well was truly nice.

Let's keep it up!

It was another hot day. She was hoping Yuya would have a nice day today too.
She smiled.

@темы: дневник, Asami's Diary

---

In wait

Asmai never asked him to meet at the weekend.
When she first intended to he turned out to have work on those days so she didn't suggest. And next week she just felt doing so would be wrong. And strange from the student's point of view.
It's fine, she thought. She also needs that time.
To become a better teacher. To become better.
And anyway she can see him. So she will be fine.

Last week when tired she was coming back to her room an imagery passed through her mind. She was sitting at the table in her room. Yuya came up to her from behind. He sat down there and hugged her.
At first - might that be that the vision was so vivid - she even felt... uncomfortable. Asami wes surprised at this reaction of hers. But then it's only natural - at the very point now they are virtually strangers. And its one of the basic instincts to protect one's back.
But when Asami realized the reason for her reaction, her uneasiness gradually vanished. She felt cosy, being held in Yuya's hands grew to be nice and comforting.

If only that could come true one day...

@темы: дневник, Asami's Diary