Асами
It has become a kind of an evening customary greeting for Asami - to go up to the pine tree by the entrance, press her palm to its bark and stay like that for some time listening. To the surroundings, to her feelings.

At times the bark is wet. Recently most of the times.
The ground although hard feels soft.
The evening air is very often humid. Sometimes so humid that it contains some lingering smell.
Voices of night insects. Often so loud that you can call them deafening.
Once in a while a voice of a bird. It doesn't sound like a song bird though.
The vast peaceful sky. A temple tower top. A city with its lights beyond.
All is green around here. Up the hill there are tall flowers - bright yellow with red dots.
Over Asami's head there are spiders waiting in ambush on their cobwebs. She occasionally ruins one making her way to the tree in the dark. Isn't a very pleasent feeling.
The abundance of spiders and cobwebs in the corridor of the house reminds her vividly of "The Chamber of Secrets" computer game dungeons.

And today she saw a cockroach under the sink. It gave her a scare. Looking at the bright side though, it's locked up in the cupboard. And the house is just in the midle of nature, no wonder it's present inside as well. But Asami was set to fight for her territory.



@темы: Asami's Diary, дневник

Асами
A woman deturmined to die to let her son live in peace and follow the road he chooses.
Not knowing about his father who tortured and killed 18 young gurls.
Not knowing his mother, who let this happen.
Innocent of all charges, facing execution...

There is no greater gift in life than that of being a parent. Yet so many of us abuse and squander that gift.
So she said.

I can partially agree with her. Love is the greatest gift to me. For her that was represented in the feeling towards her son.

Could she be saved? I guess no. I understand Gideon who let her go.
Some people manage to live till their body strengths utterly expire.
Some people choose to die out of dispair. Or pressed by emotion.
Some people die because their spirit has nothing left in this world and is ready to go.

She, I believe, was the third.

I love this TV show. Agents treat criminals as humans whatever crimes they may have committed. Or may not have.
Thank you, Yuya.



@темы: дневник, фильмы, Asami's Diary

04:36

Shame

Асами
2 weeks after the last note in the diary.
Great!
***
It's not that making a note in the diary is a must. But I've come to feel that it is a means to keep my consciousness up, maintain self-awareness, remain self in other words. It is also a means of remaining and possibly becoming more obsevant of my surroundings, a way to treasure and learn from them.
But...
Two days of translation from morning till night and not a single day to recover in two weeks weakened me, it seems they thinned the fragile tissue protecting my soul and it became vulnerable.
***
Asami performed well at work. Her English was good. She was relaxed. But...
The teaching zeal went elsewhere.
She longed for the three days-off.
She got them.
And tree days all along she didn't go out. She shut up in her room and read - warm stories, full of love stories, stories that took her away from this world, where you have to be strong and fight against your weaknesses daily, to the world of other peoples lives, where having gone through much they find their happiness. And they are not lonely anymore. They don't have to fight alone.
Asami wondered. She has many good friends. Back in Belarus and here in Japan either. Still... It is as if a part of her is missing. A part that makes her complete, makes her stronger.
And to her surprise, there is a person who has been affecting her in that way.
Now, that Asami finally restored her composure - it came back naturally (after she had cancelled 2 of her home-tutoring lessons and a volunteer one which she had never done before! ) - she thought:
Yuya. If only one day when I'm as tired as I had been, I could ask you to save me from running away from this world and its preassure, if only you could embrace me and kiss me at that time, and the urgent spir to disappear in other people's happiness and comfort would vanish, you would erase it for me... If only the day you save me from my weakness may come...
Why was she calling out to him? She hardly knows him! She doesn't even know if his heart is free, if he is the person. But... As never before she found herself repeating silently: I love you, Yuya. She found herself thinking of him every day and his name repeatedly breathed out when no one could hear. All this is unreasonable. However, that's how it is.
When she was in the car driving to the airport at the end of her interpreting work it was still light and it was rainy and the scenery was beautiful. And she realized that she was almost shouting again and again in her heart: I love you, Yuya. If she were riding a car there with him and he asked why?, she would explain that God, someone said, is supreme kindness - which is a wider term for love, conscience and beauty. And we all have them in our hearts, we all have the highest ideal, which some people personify as God. And that's why these three are one, and when we are struck by the beauty we naturally think of the person we love the most to share it.

Asami didn't regret having spent time reading the stories. She didn't regret cancelling three lessons, even though she was pressed for money as a result. She learned from the stories and she managed to return to her own fight in the end. But plunging into something so deeply is scary... Yuya...
***
Asami was thinking of suggesting him to meet on Sunday to speak English as long as his time allows. The purpose? She would be able to spend by his side more than a overly long lesson. He would be able to spend a larger part of the day speaking English. It would facilitate his flluency and might help to deal with the problems he has while speaking, like confusing tenses. How would she explain it to him? An outdoor lesson to make him think in English, to get him say at the end of the course sincerely "Thank you" to her, which would make her happy.
That's true, although not all of it.
Should she go ahead with the plan and suggest it? She will judge from the circumstances. If only he were desposed...
Was she getting crazy? Unreasonable? She wondered.
***
Other thoughts that invaded her mind during the two weeks' time.
One very hot day Asamy recalled that the ground felt as hot and the air as boiling as then back in her childhood when she was heading to the beach with Mum and sister.

Feeling the wet pine bark under her palm and listening to the evening sounds of nature Asami thought that love is natural. It is in conjoinining bodies for two humans who were ment to be whole one but happened to get born as separate beings, it is in mixing souls to become a shared spirit, it is in merging in nature. And love is beautiful. Nathan and Gabriel's love is unspeakably beautiful.



@темы: дневник, Asami's Diary

Асами
半月だった。
爽やかなそよ風が顔に当たる。
浅い夜の音は朝視の耳に入ってくる。

昨夜と今朝前に読んだ漫画を読み直していた。『茅島氏の優雅な生活』という。
勇也さんに巡り合ってからその話の展開を見守り、自分の手で幸せを築くのはこのようなことでしょうと思った。私もこのように誰かを~もしかしたら勇也を~幸せにしてあげたい。
朝視はふと気がついた。初めて誰かに対して疑いながらもそう考えた。
茅島さんは二人の幸せの可能性を作った。何もかもそのありえないほどちっぽけな可能性にかけた。ひょっとして朝視のように他の生きる道を歩く様は空っぽに見えたのだろうか?この道しかないことに考えれただろうか?
朝視は茅島さんとガブリエルの確信が少しうらやましく思えた。勇也への気持ちは何なのかを理解したい。でも教師で、授業だけでは分かる訳はないかもしれない。いつかコースが終わって、茅島さんのように、ガブリエルのように朝視が誇りを捨てて、心をさらけ出して友情を差し出すときが来るのだろうか。
今までの彼女の人間関係でのイニシアティブは無に終わっていたけれど。
勇也は藤原さんと直也さんと全く違うけれど。
藤原さんと会って、顔も身長も性格も分からないで、気持ちを抱いているより必死にもしかしたらファイかもといった可能性にかけたの。ファイではなかった。もう一回会ってすぐ感じた。
直也さんの場合は、彼が話しているところを聞いていて、私は本当に彼がいいのか疑ったことが何回かある。
勇也は授業で勇也はほとんどずっと話しているのに、勇也のことをほとんど分からない。でも晃さんへの感情は恋愛ではないと確信してすぐ勇也さんの名前は声に出ろうとしていて、彼の思いは胸の中に出てきた明かりの塊が心を暖めることに気がついた。
前回とは違う。
勇也をもっと知りたい。そうできるチャンスに賭けてもかまわないと、朝視は思った。

明日は通訳の仕事。準備はまだ。誰も失望させないように頑張る。

今日の授業はうまく言った。一つだけあった。最後に「考えながらゆっくり話すときはほとんどいつも文法がまあまあ正しく、意味も通じる。でも自然な話はもっと早い。もっとスピードをあげないといけません」と朝視は言った。そして、もしかしたら機嫌を損ねてしまったのだろうかと思って、軽い話題に話を変えた。でもそのときの自分のぎこちなさは恥ずかしく思えた。



@темы: дневник, манга, Asami's Diary

Асами
Cicadas' voices unobtrussively resounded in the neighborhood. Light wid quietly shuffled trees foliage. A dragon fly passed her window. Asami was taking in the serene, frleeting morning.

Once when she came home after work it was rather late. In the dark she pressed her hand to the pine that grows by the mansion-house where she lives. She wanted to touch it quickly in greeting as she usually does and go to her apartment but something stopped her. It might have been tiredness. And them.
She was standing there pressing her palm to the pine bark. It was slightly wet from the moisture in the air. It wasn't a wonder in rainy season. Following a sudden impulse she tried to detach herself from everything her head held - work, everyday routine, things she had to do and she was going to do right afterwards... She consentrated on what she felt.
And she felt a little cool air, the living body of the tree inder her hand, a refreshing very gentle gust of wind.
Gabriel...
Nathan...
She stood there. It was nice. It was so pacifying and important. To think that she had hardly done a simple thing like that in recent year... - years? To just stop and listen. And feel herself part of it.
Nathan, Gabriel, thank you.
How much do I have yet to learn from you? You never stop teaching me.

As Asami was sitting by the window and the morning sun was shining mildly on the rooftops around, she remembered yesterday's lesson.
Mai said "Teacher, can I ask something?" "Of course." "No, it's fine." "OK. Sure?" "Yes."
Asami continued the lesson but she couldn't put it out of her head what Mai had wanted to ask her. Did she have a question about the lesson or not? Did she want to ask something irrelevant? Last class she asked her if her shoes were new. What might it be this time?
It might have been a very trivial thing but Asami couldn't help wondering even when the class was over.
Well, next time let's make sure I have her ask the question, for my curiosity can hardly let things rest unspoken once they are pronounced. Let's learn from it and think positively: she isn't a girl who's likely to ask a tricky cunning question. She was wondering about something and whatever it was it'd be better to answer it - both for her and for me, Asami decided.

A new day was in front of her. Three lessons, the last one with Mr. Kobayashi.
Let's do good job today too.
Asami smiled.



@темы: дневник, Half Code, Asami's Diary

16:15

Businesslike

Асами
Asami was sitting at the low table in her room. She has just finshed dinner and her body felt tired from head to toes, though it was perhaps just relaxed.
It was a good day: four lessons, one with Misa-san, then at school with Ryunosuke, Takane and... Yuya.
But there was a hint of irritability in her that day.
During the lesson with Misa, she felt it first. Impatience with her studence. How doesn't she like that feature of hers! She was sure she could control that haste inside her but even the appearance of ittowards her student made her feel guilty. But in other respects the lesson went very well and they practiced "Troyka" with Mr. Furuya. And had delicious sandwiches for lunch together.
Lesson with Ryunosuke was as usual they played a game which made him excited but they also went trough new words which were many and talked which isn't really fun apparently for such an active constantly moving child. But he said to her "See you!" when they parted and that made her feel better.
At the end of her lesson with Takane she gave her a birthday present. She just gave it accompanying the transfer with just "Here is your birthday present. Happy Birthday!" She felt that was not enough. But she had no idea what to add. All she wanted to say was expressed in the present. The packet with constellations and words "Follow your heart". A small notebook with cute animals on the cover. A sticky note saying "For Takane with all my heart". There was nothing more she could say or do, considering also her standing as a teacher. She could only hope Takane would like it and understand the message.
Finally a lesson with Yuya. Whe she saw him smiling at her she felt his smile again inher heart. But...
The lesson of an hour was not enough for them to make everything she had intended, wanted to do with him. She had to keep him half an hour longer. Yuya said he didn't mind. But the haste and impatience she felt at the beginning of her working day were back. Mostly because she was warried that she may be told off by Asalawa-sensei.
Their lesson went in a very businesslike manner. She thought that it may be not so and that her assessment may be off the mark, but still. She wanted to have been softer. She wanted to say to him thank you for clearing the board after the class. She wanted to say that he did well and that she appreciates his effort even whe the result is not as one may desire. But she was afraid to be too obvious. Her manners are gentle even without that wormth. He may on the contrary feel uncomfortable. As for Asakawa-sensei...
She looked at her when she came back to the teacher's room, but told nothing. And there was no way she could know that Asami was having a lesson with him, not to mention when they were supposed to finish it. Her worry was groundless. And even if not... Of course, it's better not to create a conflict but Asami didn't think that working with students late on receiving their conscent is unprofessional. On the opposite, her experience taught her that personal involvement and teacher's effort encourages much better then a regular duty lesson. If she is asked next time she would be ready to explain her position. At least explain. And while her feelings to Yuya are there others don't know about it and have no way to prove it. As long as that is so, her opinion as his teacher will be hopefully respected. Though she shouldn't overdo it, not to create room for conflict.
Yuya said that he was going to watch Episode 2 tonight. Maybe he is watching it right now.
Yuya, I'd like to share this time with you. I'll join you, if you don't mind.
And next time I will ensure the lesson will be more engaging and inspiring. I'm sorry about today. While you smile to me so openly I'm afraid I hardly gave you any smile today. I did want to...



@темы: дневник, Asami's Diary

Асами
It is remarkable how easily Asami could lose her newly regained inner balance.
It takes just one very good story seen in a movie, in Japanese.
But she managed to keep her grasp on it by a resolve.

It was the story of "The town where only I am missing".
Ever since having run across it in anime Asami loved it. And last night she watched 8 episodes of the latest dorama in one go, finishing around 2 o'clock in the night.
It was the same story but still the ending of it differed a little and it came as a thrilling surprise.
As Asami watched on, she recalled why she loved this story a year ago when she saw it for the first time.

Satoru is a clever man, living a meaningless life. Why?
Why does he have this "revival" thing, and why does he feel obliged to swurve the future out of the immenent tragedy while it may cost him dear? Why not just to ignore it?
Because of the overpowering blame and feeling of failure gnawing at him. Because he has failed failed as a human for he did nothing when he ought to have done.
And with all desperateness he srives to change the past and save the lives of so many people.
He steps on a path of a hero - his favorite manga hero - and following his example growes to become a man, who can be called hero, himself.
He makes friends. He gives a great gift of friendship to those who have no one by their side. He - while never noticing - shows them what being an actual hero is. He gives them strength, and will to fight, and a saving miracle of kindness.
He lives his past again and again, he lives it to grow up again with different experience, to correct what he thinks of as HIS wrong, to become in the new future a different person.

When watching Asami thought destractedly that she would like to see it together with Yuya.
A strange thought? Yes. He is just her student. He may have a person he loves already, even though he doesn't wear a ring it may mean nothing. That being so, the thought of Yuya has become the first that comes to Asami's mind in most mornings.
If she imagined herself with him, sometimes she talked to him in her mind in English. But when she spoke important things she wanted to say them in Japanese.
"Some day I want to be able to switch to the Japanese language, to be able to think in it freely without being afraid that it would affect my work. I want to become as good as native, to understand the language, to change and grow with it. To devote myself to translation. One day I wish to be released from English.
But that doesn't mean that I don't like the English language. I love it. Owing to it I met Nathan and Gabriel. I could stay in Japan. I could meet you, Yuya. And many other students. With all my gratitude to the language and all my heartfelt desire to help my students achieve their gouals - and yours, Yuya, too - I will take English as the main language for the time being. This will be the language I think, write, speak, read in.
Untill one day when I will be able to leave English for the sake of the language which resounds in my very soul. Which I want to share with you."

Today Asami had dinner with her students from Welfare Centre.
It was fun.
She had a big bowl of salad with almost any conceivable vegetable in it, steak and rise, corn soup and fruit for desert. She was treated by everyone. It was all very tasty and she didn't overeat. It was all very good and very nice.
And it was also fun. Atsuko-san was present and she told about her Hawaii holiday, and Kazue-san told about coming hers. Bob asked her when she finished her steak, if he could explain why he had told her last time that she was lucky having come to Japan. Asami, despite all her better feelings to be polite and patient, grew involuntary wary but agreed.
According to Bob, Allah, Buddah and Confucius - if not others - were reborn in Japan. How does he know? He has read in a book. Asami asked if he has ever questioned what he read. He said no.
Well, the constructive conversation ended there, as Asami thought now looking back at their dialog. Bob says his worldview is scientific but to Asami it seemed more to be a blind belief into things that there's no way to prove at all. One person claimes to be a Confucius reincornation. You can either believe him or not. Another person writes that Japan is the next Atlantis and gods are trying to achieve with it what they couldn't with the first one. They actually fought Satan back then and lost. So she was lucky to come to this devine country, And lucky to meet Bob who has awakened to the truth.
To this Asami responded that she didn't believe in Satan for a start. That she respected Bob's view on things but she couldn't take it as it was too far from hers. When Bob asked why she had showed interest into his doctrine Asami explained that it was out of pure curiosity. She was equally interested in Kazue-san's, Misao-san's and others' worldviews. And she thought that she was equally lucky to meet them as she was lucky to meet Bob.
Judging from his looks Bob did't agree.
He persisted to expand that the goal of peole now is to develop science to go to space, the other star where the reikons and the gods are from and help those on that star. So, when Asami attempted asking what is the meaning in life fore man in Bob's view, he said first to develop science. When Asami doubted it he corrected himself and the goal for every human became to work for the good of others. But that meant facilitating science development anyway.
The story of the world creation was even more fantastic, fit to compete with the creation myths in the world regions. Gods from another star created it and while they were successful producing animals with piople they failed and brought reikons from another planet to Earth and they had hard time adjusting to life on earth but they made it and thus man came into existence.
To cut a long story short, nowe Bob has to find at least 100 followers to realize the goal of all humanity going to space to help out the dwellers of the other planet. And Asami was lucky to meet him because she obtained the access to his sacred knowledge and could help the humanity by translating Bob's work into Russian.
Here Asami said straightforewardly that she had no intention of translating religeous texts.

The topic changed. They continued to speak about hot springs, different styles and places for weddings, funerals and burying traditions in Japan and Russia. Then when everyone started to discuss in earnest where it was cheaper to get buried she butted in saying wasn't it too early to talk about that that seriously. The topic went back to marriage and she was asked if she had a boyfriend. She laughed and as usual explained that if she had she couldn't have come to Japan that easily. Then she had to make a boyfriend here. Asami smiled and suggested that be not as simple as it may sound as she would have to be approved by he partners parents, and a foreiner as she was they might doubt her capasiity to become a good wife. To this the women laught and said that the partners parents would more likely be grateful somebody was willing to marry their son and happy that there would be marrieage at all for so few people choose to live alone recently. As aAsami brought up the case of her friend Katya and her French beloved, now fiance, the point of intercultural differences and related difficultied was naturally made.
They spoke about manga, books, TV shows, Asami's university Japanese group and Confucius Centre... Asami spoke and listened. She was relatively talkative. She didn't talk too much, about as much as was necessary.

It was fun, and Asami hoped that they all had good time.
She also hoped that Bob didn't take offence - she might have been too direct and blunt, but she could hardly help it as Bob sounded slightly conceited and nationalistic.
She also hoped that Atsuko-san was going to come back to class some time and that she hadn't been skipping classes because of her teaching. Although even in the best case her teaching would be still part of the reason. Her teaching is demanding and Atsuko-san wasn't very willing to make effort.
Sould Asami make classes simpler? Unless Atsuko-san comes back, she won't know.

Last night's dinner.
Plums from Fukasawa-san, juice from Natsuki-sensei, cocoa bar from Vivian, a bunny cake from Ayumi-san, with who she had the last lesson on that day. She spoke fluently (thanks to from-morning-till-evening two days Tokyo course) and Asami felt reassured that she would be fine in the conference. As she ate the cake she wished Ayumi-san luck. She wished she had said to her when they were parting that she believed in her. But Ayumi-san might have understood it without the words being spoken.



@темы: дневник, Asami's Diary

Асами
As Asami read "the Sane Sosiety" by Erich Fromm she thought that nature and its balance are truly amazing.
Right now she was traveling through Nathan's and Gabriel's story once more.
And just recently they have met Ledger who spoke of Essence.
And Asami was willing to learn more about it, the earth, nature and human relatedness to it. She is learning it from Gabriel and Nathan.
And at this very time in her journey she comes across Fromm's work, and it lets her understand what what the story may teach her better.
What a coincidence. Everything turns out to happen the best possible (probably) way.
How did she know about Fromm for a start?
Ritsuka read his works. He inspired her to read books on psycoligy.
Yuko loved to say that nothing is accidential. Asami never doubted her words.

"The problem of man's existence is unique in the whole of nature: he has fallen out of nature, as it were, and is still in it. He is partly devine, partly animal, partly infinite, partly finite.
The necessity to find ever-new solutions for the contradictions in his existence,
to find ever-higher forms of unity with nature, his fellowmen and himself
is the source of all psychic forces which motivate man,
of all his passions, affects and anxieties."

Fromm considers that himan nature consists on the on side of biological endowment, which provide for biological drives, and on the other side, of non-biological capacities which are self-awareness, reason and imagination. The tension between the two results in "human condition".

Fromm finds 5 essential needs of man:
1) Relatedness
with other living beings
(a consequence of being "torn away from the primary union with nature)
2) Creativeness vs. destructiveness
"Being endowed with reason and imagination, man cannot be content with the passive role of the creature."
The need to assert himself, transcendence, can take the form of either creativity or destructiveness.
"Creation and destruction, love and hate, are both answeres to the same need for transcendence, and the will to destroy must rise when the will to create cannot be satisfied."
3) Rootedness
A yearning for union - a state of blissful symbiosis with family, mother, nature.
While its vital for its nurturing qualities it should be kept in check as it can lead away from our true vocation as human beings and lure us back to a state of nature.
4) Sense of identity - individuality vs. herd conformity
5) The need for orientation and devotion - reason vs. irrationality
2 components:
a need to be able to make sense of the world in a more than purely intellectual way (devotion)
preference for "objectivity", understanding which corresponds with reality

"Mental health is characterized
by the ability to love and create,
by the emergence from regressful symbiosis with nature (mother's body, overwhelming protection) to clan and soil,
by a sense of identity based on one's experience of self as the subject and agent of one's powers,
by the grasp of reality inside and outside ourselves, that is, by the development of objectivity and reason."

One's ability to achive mental health, and the way in which one does so, depends to a small extent on individual factors, but is largely a question of what society makes possible.
***
How funny.
Asami could glimpse episodes of Nathan's life reflected in every statement.



@темы: Asami's Diary: дневник

Асами
Asami followed Nathan as he was walking around the Council building mock-up. She followed him to the part that imitated his cell where he was kept just a year ago. The he went to another room, 2C, where he was branded with the tattoos. Whitish canvas walls reminded of the actual place.
He went back to his cell and lay there. Soon Gabriel found him. The stayed in the cell together, and Asami stayed with them.
Once someone, I guess it was Gabriel, said to Nathan, that he understands himself better than most people do.
I guess the same could be also said about Gabriel himself. To be so sure of his feelings, of his wished, to be so strong you need to have access to the core that holds and controls those all inside you. It's just that for Nathan understanding himself means understanding also his wild self, the nature in himself. While for Gabriel it means undersatanding himself through people. They are very close to their essence but Nathan owing to his Gift is also close to its main source. That's why Gabriel saw him as an ultimate being.

But why are they so good at understanding themselves and thus being themselves?
As Asami was sitting in the mock-up cell with them, looking at the gradually darkening sky above their heads, she realized that what Nathan and Gabriel were doing now was just listening to themselves. Not moving, not bustling around to produce any physical or in any way tangible results. Right now they were spending time with their souls, listening to their selves, speaking to each other's essence. In that very moment they were ulimately close.

Asami raised her eyes to look at the passing in the distance train.
It was a good day yesteray, although quite busy. She managed to mantain her composure, she managed to be herself throughout the whole day. Was it because she learned a little from Nathan and Gabriel? Was it because she had allowed some time in the morning for herself second day in a row?
Time just to listent to herself.
To find herself.



@темы: дневник, путешествия, Half Code, Half Lost, Asami's Diary

05:05

Calm

Асами
Yesterday it was cloudy.
And Asami felt very sad for Nathan and Gabriel. So sad it was painful. She could heardly concentrate on anything as her thoughts constantly returned to the two. Because last night she had spent the last peaceful full of happiness morning with them. The last peaceful happy mornig that they were to have left as humans.
She tried playing the flute, but it grew even more unbearable, her pain as if moving to her throat. And she stopped soon.

She arrived at school earlier than she usually had to for they had agreed with Natsuki-sensei to discuss the coming Children's Book's Public Reading Event.
She was sitting at the English department table with 5 other teachers gethered there - though coming and going. As usual she felt uncomfortable. Her English skill was not like theirs, her qualifications as a teacher - and she actually has none - might be questioned... All of those constantly ate at her. But... This time... Probably she just got tired of incessantly thinking what Aidan and other teachers thought of her. As she was practising reading a children's book in English aloud with Natsuki-sensei at the nearest table, she couldn't stop being concsious that Aidan, other native spiker teachers may be listening and questioning: what is she doing here? A friend of the Principal.
But perhaps she grew tired. And as she sat back at the common table she thought.
"Enough. What I am is what I am. I am not a particulary good speaker at times and I lack experience as a teacher. But I'm doing my best. And I'm slowly, but gradually improving. And even that me with but humble abilities can do good job of helping my students muster English. So let's stop bothering over something I can't controle as other people's opinion. There is nothing bad being myself."
And this thought brought her calm.
And lesson after lesson went very well. They were controlled, efficient, warm and a little funny.
And her speaking was measured and controlled and good.
And she could tell Yuya at the end of the class what she wanted:
「前回の授業の後で階段を降りたところしゃべっていましたね。そして私はもし待っていてもらえれば、すぐ出てくるので、そうしたら質問に答えましょうと。それに対して勇也さんの反応は変に見えました」
「あぁ、そういうことを言っていたんですか?意味はよく分からなかったから」
「そうなんですか?よかった」微笑んだ。「もしかした付き合うように頼んでいるのではないかなと思われたかもしれないと思って」
「いいえ、ただ意味よく分からなかったんです」
「よかった。言っておきます。誤解しないように。私はあのことを言ったのも、このように授業が長くなるのも、私は勇也さんが英語能力を高めるように全力を尽くすつもりでやっているのですから」
He was smiling. Asami hoped he understood.
She was relieved she could say it without making significant mistakes or fumbling for words. More than anything she wanted him to trust her and feel at ease with her.
They parted smiling. His smile is so nice, she thought again. As if it goes trough right into her heart and lightens up there.
It was a very good day. She didn't feel tired. Her spirits were up.
On her way home she dropped in at Ms. Kamakura's gallery. There was lamps exhibition this time. The obgects, including also tableware, jewelry, wicker basckets and bags, handmade necklaces were brought from Morocco and Turkey. Asami spoke to a friendly woman who with her partner sold them. She told her about snake charmers she saw in a squere in Morocco. She told also about tea that they drink strong and extremely sweet in those countries. Allegedly because sweet taste eases tiredness from heat. Asami was fascinated with the lamps. They were as if from a fairy tail. The colorful Turkish ones reminded of a palace. Moroccan ones made her recall lamps for glow-beetles. And the lamps in the shape of stars hanging from the ceiling looked like a starry night sky. It was a beautiful exhibition.

Asami thought.
If when we were talking with Bob about his worldview she could be as calm and controlled as she was today she could have founf better words to tell him in regard of their following gethering. Not vague bordering with impolite 機会があれば、時間があれば If only she wasn't that troubled over what Ms. Kazue and Ms. Fukasawa may think. If only she could be calm and wise, be herself.
She has to correct her mistake next time she sees Bob.
Tell him that she is curious to hear his story further but she doesn't want to trouble her friends as they feel obliged to accompany her so that the strange couple of only her and Bob not make her feel awkward. They also can't let her be given a ride by Bob apparently for the same reason. And what is more, although curious, asami had no intention of becoming Bob's apprentice. She was just taking interest and learning one more vision on the world, the sam as when she read books by philosophers or thinkers. She may in the end incorporate something into her worldview, but she feels that she will hardly accept the whole Bob's idea. Because her world is hers, and it is unique as well as Bob's is.
She has to tell him that.

She has to be herself.
A wiser and calmer self. Could it be that yesterday the thought of Gabriel, him and Nathan, helped her to learn to be so a little?



@темы: дневник, Asami's Diary

17:06

For you

Асами
The sound of the rain pelting quietly at the ground and leaves in the dark was coming through the window.
Asami recallected...
A few days ago she was in a forest. Camp One was destroyed and Nathan who had chaised after the Hunters was shot with a Hunter bullet, surprisingly, not by a Hunter.
And Asami was kneeling in your head while Celia was cutting your stomach and chest into pieces to pull out the magic bullet. And Gabriel was holding your feet. And we all were listening to you, screaming. And Asami was holding your head with her cool ghostly hands dasperate to help relieve pain but there was no helping it.

Asami was sitting by your side when you were fighting the poison. And apparently seeing bad dreams. She saw Gabriel's face, pale as death with unspeakable emotion. He never left Nathan's side. Every groan you made was reflected in his face. And your stomach and chest were a bloody mess.
Asami put one hand on your shoulder and another on Gabriel's. If there is anything I can do by being with you, by touching you, I'll do it. I'll help.
From all her heart she desired to help.

And a thought crossed her mind.
That newly discovered willingness to help I should bring back to my world and share with the people who surround me. They need it too, some - like Mom - need it desperately.



@темы: книги, дневник, путешествия, Half Code, Half Lost, Asami's Diary

04:32

Gabriel

Асами
Asami felt her admiration for Gabriel grow with every day she spent together with him and Nathan.
So gentle and yet so strong.
She tried to put herself in his shoes to gain fuller understanding of what he was going through.

How it must have been to love a person who never thought of you as more than a friend?
Who treasured you as a friend but never more. For who you came second after Annalise while for you he is life, so much that you couldn't part with him and followed him into the war which you would have never stepped in but for Nathan's way lay there.
And you had to watch him loving not you and put up with it.
And he showed so little interest in you, while there was she. Never noticed your birthday. Was there a party to notice? I wonder. I guess no.

And then you see with your own eyes his pain, his tragedy, his resolve... You stay with him while his soul is writhing in excruciating loss and rage and hatred... And you are with him and he is bad with you. And yet you are with him. Trying to do anything if there is anything at all to alleviate your life's - Nathan's - tourture.

When Nathan was shot... it must have been as if you were shot yourself. You couldn't believe it. You couldn't stop fighting. There was just no way you could let him go. How horrible it must have felt all the days you had been waiting for Nathan to come round.

And than finally he is nice to you.
You understand him as no one else.
And he grows to be even nicer. And you are happy. And he feels happy. He has never felt so before. Still...
"I will always be your friend"
"I know" You know. And you accept it.

And all of a sudden...
One peaceful morning you find the ring on your finger. The ring which is too precious. Important. The only good thing from Nathan's father, his family. Now "yours. Forever."
And you never thought of being thought of by him as precious. As so important. And you know how important this ring is for Nathan.
And you are so happy that it's painful. And your tears spill out.
***
Gabriel is calm. And wise.
He has had his share of experience.
He has read books.
And he is shrewd to read through people's hearts.
And he is kind. So nice. I suspect, though, his love made him nicer, kinder, stronger.
Nathan thought once that he loves you for you make him a better person. But you can probably say the same. You become a better person being with Nathan. For Nathan. And it's just so natural.

Gabriel, I know that you and Nathan are with me now. That you are in the nature. Gabriel, you are the gentle sunshine at dawn, at sunset. Nathan, you're in the wind that smells of leaves, in trees, in the earth...

I want to stay with you. I want to learn from you.
Gabriel, to be as calm and wise and you.
To be as loving as both of you. I want to be capable of loving that much.

Thank you for becoming the ever beautiful nature.
Thank you for being with me.



@темы: книги, дневник, Half Code, Half Lost, Asami's Diary

Асами
Asami travelled a large part of Nathan and Gbriel"s story in past 3 days. She spent Friday and Sataday following them in "Half Wild", part 2. She finished the whole book in Japanese just in two days. And then she continued with the third book, in English. There was no way sho could leave them.

And now she was in Montana (?) with Nathan and Ledger. And it is peaceful, and she can not worry. Shy can rest and think. And listen and learn from Ledger. Lern what she thinks of the Essence, and thus the world, for Asami senses the woman is truly wise. And she also feels she has always been thinking the same way, just never put her worldview into words as clearly and simply as she does.

And what a peaceful world it is where she dwells. It may be Montana, or it may be not. It may be some part of the world that she has created or separated for herself. Though Asami's still more inclined to think it's just some secluded well-protected place in Montana.
She has few visitors. And she has devoted her life to learning. She isn't bored. How can she if she is trying to get to know the Essence with all people and creatures who have come to be or yet are part of it. Ones guests come she's genuinely interested in them. She is very inquisitive. For they are all embodyment of the Essence.

She says the Essense is the earth. And I agree but for me it feels more like Nature. We are all nature. And the earth is nature, but so is the sky, streams, wind... Our breath and the heartbeat of a falcon are nature. Our mind, creative one time and destructeve another, shares the same nature as the orderly, ruled by instincts mind of a wolf. We can try to find a way to live in balance with nature in us and around us or we can choose to be deaf to its voice, blind to its presence. We can choose to try and learn from nature thus getting to know the world better as well as us for we are inseparable from it.
One day Nathan's choice will be the choice of an ulimate witch, an ultimate being whom Gabriel has always seen in him. The choice to live as a nature... With Gabriel having become a part of it, becoming the same part to live on by the side of the dearest being in the world. In the same state. And may be their time will come some day to chose again and they may choose to be born an live as humans once more or they may choose to continue to exist as nature never getting separated, forever being able to finally share in their hard-wun and tried with pain and struggle love, being part of the eternal beauty and serenity of nature. Nathan once noteced how beautiful nature was and to hope for it ever remain such is the only thing one may hope for.

Once Nathan saw a vision.
There was a river and trees and gentle hills and the soud of birds and sun on his skin. It was a beautiful place. A place he had always dreamed of being.
And he was with Gabriel and Gabriel was with him.

Once Ledger said to Nathan. "You have a long life line, curiously long... And I feel that your future is ulinately a peaceful one... As I said I see you by a river, trees mountains..."

That is what he will learn to accomplish and choose when the war ends. When they win it.
It is a painful, but very, very happy story, the one of Nathan and Gabriel.

And now Asami is traveling through it with them once again to eventually realise it.



@темы: книги, дневник, Half Code, Half Lost, Asami's Diary

Асами
朝視~2019年2月4日 朝8時半ごろ
日曜日に朝視は11時過ぎに起きた。居酒屋での夜勤はこたえたよう。でも頭が冴えていた。遅く起きてよかったと、朝視は思った。
アリサがポリナとお店に行く前に寄ってきた。朝視は二人の名前を混乱して、全く気づかないで呼び間違えた。注意を引かれると、「あ、確かに、ごめんなさい」不思議なことに、日本語の言葉はその日あっさり浮かび上がったけれど、名前は違った。


朝視~2019年2月6日 朝8時半ごろ
Asami was in good mood. She was reading in English – and it was a good book – and through that she was caring about her students. She spent 3 hours yesterday preparing for a single class and was rewarded with “It was really interesting!” feedback. And always frowning Ko yesterday grew milder during the shift.
There were worries. But there always are. it didn’t matter for now.
Asami was in good mood. It was nice to start an upcoming day like this. She was set to do her best and to make people about her smile. :)


朝視~2019年2月12日 朝8時半ごろ
Three holidays passed. And there Asami was thinking whether to go to school today or not. It wasn’t the matter that she had worked late the previous night or that she was sick or that she was so tired she could barely get up. She was relaxed. She felt nice. And she wanted to relax more.
There was nothing bad in feeling this way. But if it wasn’t for Kurara-sensey’s day today, she knew she would skip classes. And that wasn’t right. She wanted to return.
She was happy to plunge into the stories she loved and recall values she started to forget. But it was enough. It was high time for Asami to go back to her own life, to people who surround her and those who care for her. To concentrate devotedly on her job.
And also Asami was troubled with how much she ate during this three days. Particularly sweet things, chocolates. They brought her comfort but her body grew heavy, and that was sad. She was a butterfly after all.
Let put an end to it today. With this just one more last day of comfort.
And let’s do the job to my best today. As Asami always does. :)


朝視~2019年2月17日 朝9時ごろ(Sun)
Tears were trickling down Asami’s cheecks.
Mr. Kitagawa died. It is only natural. We all somewhen die. But… Lung cancer…”He never even smoked”…
It feels so sad and unfair. Why should a man with such a kind generous utterly unselfish heart die so early? Why did he have to suffer so much? The lonely years in prison. The even lonelier years after leaving it. The painful time with Douno’s family where he didn’t belong. And finally the happiest years together. It’s silly to count but… if only he could have lived more.
If only he could have stay with Takafumi more.
Douno’s eyes were vacant in the morning after the wake. As Kitagawa lived for him, Mr. Douno lived for Kitagawa. And now he had lost … What?
“I wish I could have died with you.”
Nao was right in buying a puppy for Dad. If it weren’t for the puppy Mr. Douno had to take care of… he would, I’m afraid, develop some illness from grief and followed his beloved one in no time. But his gentle heart would not let him do that when a puppy needs him.
It’s good that Kitagawa didn’t have to part with Takafumi first, in the end. When I think of his last moments, however painful they must have been – it seems that I can almost hear Kei crying out “I don’t want to leave you!” - … He must also have felt it, happiness. Happiness of being with his beloved one up to the last breath. Being loved and cared for till he had to pass away. Being part of the warm love they have created.
Mr. Kitagawa was a wonderful person. Killing a man, he searched for a way out of his dark and empty box that his hart had turned into. Meeting Mr. Douno in prison taught him. Though it would have never started if he didn’t respond to his desperate plea on the verge of delirium “Help me”. And to the kindness he showed he was requited with kindness. And it was a streak of light in his dark and lonely box. And he longed it more. And all his being turned to that streak of light. So warm, but so thin.
It is no wonder Mr. Kitagawa didn’t forget Douno. In his world there was his box and the streak. And because there was that streak he learnt to see. But he couldn’t live without it. In his desperate search he strived for his dare life for if the light he once knew disappeared he would not be able to continue as he did before he saw it. Being thrown back into the darkness a flower that has just bloomed dies.
“I’m starting to forget his face”
How frightening must that have been.
I admire Douno for his gentleness, his strength of will to abide by his principles and morals whatever people may think. His heart is kind. Just the world his heart contains is full of light and people who give it and people he wants to give his light to. And unless the darkest night comes down on that world of his, when every light disappears, and unless in the utter darkness like several years ago in prison the only, faithful sunray remains, he won’t know where he belongs. But owing to Mr. Kitagawa’s effort their worlds became finally one.
Mr.Kitagawa is a great person. He is a killer. Whether he really killed the man or not doesn’t actually matter. He did something that took or could have taken a human’s life. And that grief and guilt and sorrow showed themselves in his heart in Mr. Douno’s light. As he turned to and followed the light he learned how to be a better man. And he grew into a man next generation would learn from and remember with love and even somewhere admiration.
Asami felt happy that Kitagawa Kei will be remembered. That he became a person who can teach not even being a teacher. Asami felt glad that he could live happily and could pass away surrounded and filled with love. But she felt such heart-rendering sorrow thinking of Mr. Douno’s dire loneliness…
May be it is fair, though. For him to learn the loneliness his beloved went through. Universally fair… but so sad.



@темы: книги, Asami's Diary

Асами
洗濯機の几帳面的な呟き声を耳にしながら、朝視は心の振動を落ち着かせようとしていた。
今朝はまさかだと思ったことは実際おきたの。無理に決まっていて、校長先生はただ気遣ってくれていて、本当にそのつもりははっきりしてないようにみえて、信じられなかった。普通の服~学校に授業がないから、普通よりキャジュアルなジーンズまで履いて、~授業に行ったの。総合学習の生け花教室は面白くて、花のアレンジに集中して、他のことを置いておくことができた。続いた日本語の授業の間、心がなぜかとても敏感になったような気がして、いらいらするほどだった。その理由のない苛立ちを抑えようと、笑って、絶対顔に出さないと決心して、かなり積極的に授業に参加したとは言える。
授業が終わってシンドウ先生が呼び寄せた。「清水先生がタチアーナさんに会ってほしい人がいますから」と言って、校長先生のところへ連れて行った。階段を下りていたとき信じられない気持ちでいた。
淺川先生ともう一人の女性と校長先生が部屋に残った。二人目の女性は東京ブランチ廼ユニタスの代表。私は校長先生の隣に座るように促された。校長先生は私を自分の英語の先生として紹介した後、実に面接が始まった。心の準備が全くできていなかったのに!それでもその場でそれを考えてはいなかった。
不器用な日本語で対話に応じていった。
「英語だけじゃなくて、ロシア語も教えたいですか?」
「そうですね。英語はネイティブスピーカーではないので、その点でネイティブスピーカーに劣っている。ども英語も教えたいです。ネイティブスピーカーではないから、学生の気持ちを理解できるから、その点で増しだと思います」
その次は英語で自己紹介をするように言われた。
「OK. My name is Tatyana. I have studied at Minsk State Linguistic University. This is the central university in my country to study languages. My specialization was English and literature translation. The major was English and Japanese – minor.
I haven’t been to England or America, but at our university starting with the second year almost every lecture and every seminar has been in English. So English to me is now like a second native language for me.
As for my teaching experience, I have been teaching for 3 years now. Half a year at an elementary school. I taught English to first year students. Then I was employed by a private language school. Actually it is more like a language centre. I taught English to mainly adult groups and Japanese to children’s groups. And now I’m a teacher here, at Unitas.」
- What do you think you can teach the best – vocabulary, grammar, fluency?
- Hm, probably, fluency is something that a native speaker would do better. When I’m speaking English or any other language I’m cautious at choosing words. That’s why it doesn’t sound really fluent, does it? Also my English is much better when while speaking I’m thinking in English. If I’m not thinking in English while I’m speaking, it sounds awkward. If I read or watch something in English, I start thinking in the language and it becomes more natural.
- So in other respects there is no problem?
- Yes.
「小学生が30人のクラスで教えられると思いますか?」
「今までやったことがないので、自信ないです」
「30人の大学生がいるクラスでは?」
「大学生の30人がいるクラスは問題はないと思います」
「大きいクラスの前で大きい声を出せると思いますか」
「自信を持っているときは大きい声は自然に出ます」
「実にそうなんですよ」淺川先生が付け加えてくる「デモレッスンのときも全然違うものだったから」
「やはり教えたいですか?」
「そうです。ついおととい授業の後で、やはり私は日本で日本の学生に教えたいなと思いました。学生が努力をしている様子を見て、私も精一杯頑張るやる気が沸いてきます。学生の努力に負けないくらい努力をしたくなります」
「それは先生にとって大事な本質ですね。ここのユニタスで就職を考えているし、東京の八王子に就職して引っ越してもいいと考えていますか?」
「そうです」
「他に就職活動をしていますか」
「今はTOEICを受けて、結果を待っています。なので今はしていません。でも、ユニタスに日本での教師としての教育を受けて、他の学校に行ったら、あまりよくなくない?じゃないですか?この学校に恩があるんです」
「中々日本人らしい考え方をしていますね」と浅川先生が言う。
「あなたの授業にAidanさんがいても構わないのですか?」
「構いません。ベラルーシの学校で誰かの自分の授業を見守って、批判していただくのはほとんどなかったけれど、もしあれば私は今もっといい先生であったかもしれません。ユニタスに就職したとき、最初Aidanさんからも、みなさんから、淺川さんからもいろいろアドバイスをいただいて、自分の教える形を調整することができたと思います」
大体話はこれで終了した。校長先生は一生懸命に朝視のことを推薦してくださった。ありがたい。面接のときにも校長先生にそう言いました。
「では失礼いたします」もう帰っていいと判断したとき、朝視は言った。「ありがとうございます」深く頭を下げた「ご時間を」
出る前にもう一度お礼を言った。そうしかるべきだからではなくて、心から感謝を表したかったからなの。
翔子さんから明日から始める新しい学生の話を聞いた。パン屋さんでのシフトを短縮してもらわないと、と戸惑いなくて思った。
少し準備して、学校を出たとき、校長先生が向かい側から入ってくる。
「ありがとうございます」心から感謝した。
「なんでもないから」と校長先生は微笑みながら通り過ぎた。
朝視はその背中に頭を下げた。

私、シクジッタリはしてないよね?胸が大変動揺している。まさか今日思いがけなく私の人生の中で決定的な一日だったのでしょうか?朝視は怖かった。英語でも、日本語でも、もっと上手に対応できたのに!もっと適切な服を着てよかったのに!どうだったのだろうか・・・
でも長所は一つがあったと思う。心から正直に話してよかった。
前向きでいよう。チャンスが来ることを信じていなく、準備もしてなければ緊張も溜まっていない私にはできることを全てやった。これから、今までと同じように、更に英語の能力に注意を配って、一所懸命に教師の仕事を続けること。:)
これからどうなっても、愛美さんの英語教育をやめたりはしないけれど。約束したから。最後まで成長を見守りたい、その成長を助けてあげたい、彼女のおかげで、また彼女や他の学生のために学生を見捨てる教師ではなく、いつでも学生を第一に思う教師でいたいから。

今日作った生け花。『半ば野生』
今読んでいる本を考えて作ったの、と先生に作品の名前を聞かれたとき、説明した。
先生は「確かにそうみえるよ」と言ってくれた。
ベースとして麦。
ネイサンは単純な野原の花。ヒースを思わせる。
ガブリエルは野原の花とはいえ、美しい。ネイサンと本性がものすごく合うこともあって、ネイサンが彼のことを美しいと感じ取っている。
アナリーゼは上品なナデシコのような花にした。きれい、女性らしい。それに違う。核が違う。本質が違う。野原の野生の花と親切にできるけれど、理解し合えない。
彼女の花は右に傾いている。ネイサンの麦わらは天まで伸びるように、生き延びようとしている彼を表す。
ガブリエルはその傍らにいて、彼にはまだ話していない、まだ聞いてもらっていないことを抱えているけれど~そっぽを向いている花の一筋はそれを表す~他の全てはもうネイサンのもの。葉っぱをやさしく絡ませ、茎自体を屈めて、彼を支えている。ネイサンの花はそれに答えるように、ガブリエルを葉っぱで抱きしめ、彼に無意識に葉っぱを伸ばそうとしている。彼になるべく触れるように。彼の思いを今アナリーゼが占めているけれど、ガブリエルはそのを超える特別な存在なのである。
その思いで『半ば野生』が生まれた。

朝ごはんにクリームクロワッサンを食べながら、少し雪をこ飾った山を眺めていたとき、朝視はガブリエルの優しい心を心で考えていて、中からやさしい暖かみが湧き上がるのを感じていた。朝視は微笑んだ。



@темы: Asami's Diary

Асами
朝視~2019年1月8日 朝8時半ごろ
Yesterday sitting in an orientation Asami thought of how afresh everything seemed after a two weeks holiday. She peculiarly noticed she could pay attention during the entire lecture, he consciousness never drifting away. She could feel the desire and urge to do this term better.
The day went smoothly. Even more – she did her best that day. And at the end of it she set out on a trip reliving with Nathan his memory. With every translation the memory of a story is revived. Which makes it ever more eternal.
And with a new feeling that had involve the first one she met with Nathan him, Gabriel. Her heart beat strongly…

朝視~2019年1月9日 朝8時半ごろ
Asami learnt it once more – if she tries to follow the pace of the class she gets bored easily. And the teacher is not at fault. It is close to impossible to pick up the right speed that would be ideal for every student. She had to adjust or she will just waste her time.
When Asami dropped into the office she rediscovered one more feature of hers. Shy. And choosy for words which makes her slow. And as the result unsociable with fellow English teachers.
That day she decided to take up the third part-time job. Just on the sper of the moment and resent anxiety. But she thought she did the right thing afterwards.
They ate dinner together with Polina, her roommate. It has been quite a time since they did it last time, exactly it was the first time since New Year.
And later, After she finished work, she travelled… And laughed together with Nathan although it was not a place for laughing at all.

朝視~2019年1月10日 朝8時半ごろ
Indeed how much can you do in just one day if you are only awake, Asami thought waiting for Alisa to come for her.

朝視~2019年1月11日 夜9時ごろ
Asami felt guilty and awkward. She was sitting in her room on the bad and in her mind she was reliving the day that was about to come to its end.
She argued with the teacher at school. Who asked her to speak her opinion? Especially when she is so tired that she can’t even watch her speech in Japanese so as not to slip her tongue and say something rude. Especially when she didn’t follow the teachers instructions. (Although she sincerely doubted that repeating sentences after the teacher can do any good to her language ability)
“Sensei, how what is your definition of the notion “language”?
“I believe it is a system of signs that is built on grammar and other rules”
“So you don’t think that it is just something that makes communication possible?”
“No”
“To you mind it is something human-like…?”
The teacher suddenly changes the subject. Obviously she didn’t like the idea of entering a meaningless argument. Misa-san told Asami before – Japanese people don’t like discord in any way. Somehow Asami thought that Takahata-sensei might be different. She shouldn’t have, she understood it now.
In the evening she did her best with Hana-tyan and the girls. If only she had more control over herself. If only she could mind what she speaks and not say anything excessive! But all went well.
Asami had one more regret about today. The repairman was very kind and fixed the washing mashing as well as responded eagerly to her request to look at the licking tap. He couldn’t do with much with the letter one though, but he was so kind and hard-working… Asami wished she had been more of herself and gave him the last mandarin she had left and said more of kind words. She wanted him to live her place with good mood and a smile.
I should smile first. Always. From the core of my heart. That is what Asami was thinking at the end of the day.

朝視~2019年1月25日 朝8時半ごろ
朝視は晴渡っている明るい空を部屋の窓から眺めていた。
この間~日記に最後のノートを残した時から今までの間~少しだけ本当の自分の生き方を探り出せたような気がする。
魂を飛ばして、魂を忘れたはダメ。二日間恋愛漫画を読み、やはりその時は忘却に近い。そして自分の自身や力、考える能力が次の日にわずかに少なく、鈍くなる。その漫画を読んではダメとは思っていない。ただその話で生きるのはよくない。
この間もう一つのことがわかったように思える。高校3年生のころわかったはずのことなんだけれど。私の生き方は人のために生きること。周りの人の笑顔のために暮らす。そうしていると、どんなに忙しくなっていても、元気が出る。生きる意味がある。魂が確かにこの世にある。
ネイサンとの旅は留まっている。一緒にガブリエルを洞窟で待っている。とネイサンは私のように自分を理解しようとしている。ネイサンの気の強さに改めて感心する。ガブリエル、帰って!
昨日ゆいさんに会った。クリスマスに起きた奇跡はまだ続くように感じる。気が合う人に見える。話が自由にできる。お互いさまだと考えたいけれど。この奇跡に感謝してやまない。


朝視~2019年1月26日 朝7時半ごろ
昨晩朝視は華ちゃんと遊んで笑いながら彼女を追って家を駆け回っていた。楽しかった。そして、不思議だった。私はそれができるんだ、と・・・普通の真面目な自分ではなく、こうして笑って遊んでいる自分もいるのね。
昨日のアシスタントの仕事で教育専門家に相応しくない過ちをした。cutletという言葉を白板に書いたが、自信がなかった。そのとき辞書を確認するべきだった。uの代わりにaを書いてしまったの。教師も間違いするけれど、その間違ったまま学生に教えるのは教員として失格だ。
ネイサンと彼の先の道の見えなさの檻にガブリエルを待ち続けている。
今日もう頑張りましょう!


朝視~2019年1月30日 夜5時半ごろ
外は空がだんだん夕暮れの色合いに染まり始める。
朝視は落ち着いた気持ちでいる。
今日学校を休んだ。疲れている。その気分で学校へ行っても、たいした意味がない。
その代わり授業の準備をして、髪の毛を洗って、ゆっくりした朝を過ごせた。
今週はなぜか疲れに追われている。
またなぜかもう三つ目の授業が却下になる。喜ぶべきか、怪しいと思うべきか分からない。でもネイサンのようで前向きでいよう。明日学校以外仕事がなくてよかったと考えよう。


朝視~2019年1月31日 夜8時ごろ
外は雨と風。室内はエアコンが暖めてくれる居心地いい空気。
今日朝視は久しぶりの休みを楽しんでいる。中々いい気分。アリサと「コッドブルー」というドラマを第一話見て、帰ってからあと2話を見た。医者をまつわるいい話だ。そして今日本で得た経験のおかげで、主人公の気持ち、登場人物の気持ち前より生き生き伝わってくる。それに気づいて、朝視はうれしかった。
昨日学生は授業中に泣いた。その場で気づかない振りをしてさっさとより簡単な問題に移った。授業の終わりころ愛美さんは元気を少し取り戻していたように見えた。それでも、授業が終わってから、謝罪した。厳しすぎていたと。疲れていると分かっていたのに。愛美さんはそんなことない、言葉が出ないから、と言った。でも、朝視は思った、私はいけなかった。学生を泣かして、どうする?愛美さんの状態を感知して、授業の内容を調整すべきだった。
一方、心の奥で、感心が増さっていく。授業に泣くくらい努力する学生が、私についている。愛美さんの努力に負けないように、先生も一所懸命に頑張る。
「コッドブルー」のキャラクターを眺めて、思った。日本は仕事とは生活の一部だけではない。生活自体なのだと。患者さんの肉体的な状態はもちろん、精神状態まで常に気にかける医者ではなければ、医者として上達しない、したがって認めてもらえないのだ。患者たちと生きるしかない。
私にはあんな仕事は無理、と朝視は改めて確認した。でも教師の仕事もある意味で同様。でも教師の仕事なら、私にできるという確信があった。それに翻訳。その二つにできるうちに没頭し、全力を込めば、いい仕事ができる。いい専門家になれる。:)
ガブリエルに会いたい。優しくて、ネイサンの言葉を借りて、特別で、誰より正直で、誰より人を理解するガブリエルに会いたい。支えてあげたい。蝶の弱くてはかない手ででも。



@темы: Asami's Diary

Асами
物語をざっと読んで、深く考えないでいた。急ぎ足でその世界を歩き、まして走りながら、簡単に感じ取れる物事にだけ気がついていた。
でもネイサンの物語に戻ってから、少しずつそれは変わっていったでしょう。
一昨日この日記に書いたノートを読み直していたとき、ネイサンと歩いていたころの感情は文字から溢れ、どれほど敏感でどれほどその世界に心を許していたか、思い出した。
朝視よ、また旅行しよう。
浅い水面だけを見て、浅瀬ばっかり歩いてはいけない。朝視という人間である限り。
その気持ちに完全に目覚めたのはボブに再会したときだった。
天窓からの明かりだけで照らされているぼんやりとした部屋。非常に寒くて、少しだらしない印象のある台所。芸術の人によくある特徴。ボブの家はその持ち主が芸術に専念していることを朝視に述べていた。
イーゼルにあった静物画を見て ~ 「殺す」って厳しい言葉にそぐわない懇願するような抑揚だったので、ボブはきっと構わないだろうと、思って ~ ネイサンと一緒に隣の部屋へ移った。ボブは背中を丸めて、ソースパンを混ぜている。穏やかな声で話しかけてくる。(きっと絵を見たことを知っていたけれど)
その部屋は寒かった。それにしても心が暖かい。ネイサンは笑っている。何年ぶりに彼の素直な笑顔を目にしたのだろう?
ネイサンはいつもまず相手の目を覗き込む。ボブの場合は第一に気づいたのは彼の背中、スプーンから床に垂れる滴。彼の骨ばった手と細い足首。片足に履いた赤い靴下。後何もかも理解してくれることに。
ボブはハンターじゃない。であるはずはない。
二キータの後珍しく親切にしてくれた人。白い魔使いとはいえ、委員会がしたことはいやらしいと言ってくれる。マーカスの息子に手助けをする。何の見返りを期待しないで。むしろ自分の運命を危険にさらして助けてくれる。その時ボブは淡いだろうけど、フランスへ逃げ切れる希望を持っていたと、朝視に見えた。
彼はネイサンが美しいと教えてくれた。おぞましいものであるようにずっと扱われてきたネイサンをそんな目で見たのは家族以外彼だけ。
朝視は、「あなたは悪くない」とアランが言っているように聞こえた。
ボブはアランに似てる。ネイサンもきっと気づいているに違いない。だってボブの目を見ているから。
しわのあった陰気な顔を眺めていて、頬を緩めている。
その目は美しい。描きたい。そうしているあなとを。ひもじそうで、ただ若くて。ただ若くて。
朝視はネイサンに従って、ボブの家を出て行こうとしたとき、振り向いた。「ありがとう、ボブ」ネイサンの変わりに伝えたかったの。
ボブの絵は私の心に残る。ネイサンの心にもずっと。

Paul Cezanne (1839~1906) フランスの画家、静物画


@темы: путешествия, Half Code, Half Bad, Asami's Diary

Асами
И название у фильма, на мой взгляд, неправильное. Не о деньгах идет речь. С самого начала эта была история не не о богатеях.
Я бы назвала ее "Гениальный мужчина - глупая женщина".
Ведь именно гений и его ценность ставится под вопрос.

Хочу сохранить эти впечатления.
Спасибо Насте, что терпеливо терпела мой монолог. ^^
(время, зафиксированное в беседе ниже, японское, поэтому минус 6 часов)
***
Слушай, как этот товарищ вообще выживал до того, как разбогател? Ладно, до того, как познакомился с Асахина?
😶😶😶
Он реально хуже чем я в хозяйственном смысле!
Только я, по незнанию, все экономлю, а он - тратит.
ナスチャ
ナスチャ 0:31
Не знаю)
История об этом умалчивает)
Asako
Asako 0:42
Пока она, читавшая лекцию про то, что надо работать, катается по столу пьяная в хлам, тот, кому лекция предназначалась трезв как стеклышко и топчет пудинг!
Ну и парочка...
😭
(истерика)
ナスチャ
ナスチャ 0:47
Аха ха ха ха ха ха
Да)
Asako
Asako 0:58
А-а! Там один момент реально неправильно переведен!
Когда Хьюга говорит ей, что видел ее с Асахина, он не говорит "Не стоило тебе доверять"! Он говорит "Да ты и сама ведь уже на пределе".
Asako
Asako 1:06
Вот это я понимаю!
"Время на работу - 3 дня? Кто, по их мнению, я такой? Двух хватит!"
Прелесть какая!
😢
😃
Я умиляюсь с его интерфейса!
Asako
Asako 1:18
Так и есть. Даже этому дяде, который у них в компании был третьим главным и отвечал за акции, нужна была эта детская непосредственность Хьюги в этом сухом и суровом мире :) А ведь и правда - как весело начиналась первая серия. Пусть и препирались, но был энтузиазм, вера в невозможное... А теперь - обычное рабочее место...
Потрясающе! (Первая запись на стене новой фирмы Хьюги)
Не перестаю удивляться этому человеку!
Asako
Asako 1:59
Хорош блин мытарствовать и иди за ней - в работе руки загребущие, а как желаемого в чем-то другом достичь... Такое впечатление, что у него мозги в сторону приложить усилия, чтобы дорогие люди были рядом, даже не крутятся.
Удобно быть покинутой стороной, что ли?
Asako
Asako 3:34
Я тебе еще не надоела? 😅
ナスチャ
ナスチャ 3:49
Нет)
Asako
Asako 3:53
^^
Asako
Asako 3:58
Мне пока, знаешь, кто очень сильно запомнился?
(Я сейчас на середине 10 серии.)
Молодой юноша, вложивший деньги в акции покинутой Хьюгой фирмы. Он выступил на том злополучном собрании акционеров. Медленный. Неуверенный в себе. Но так осторожно и бережно подбиравший слова. Который стоили того, чтобы быть сказанными.
И его улыбка была... словно в ней отражалось все его сердце. :)
Интересно, сведет ли эта история с этим героем снова?
Asako
Asako 4:04
Что станет с его надеждами?
Asako
Asako 4:23
Если он ее сейчас не остановит... я его убью! (конц 10 серии) Возьми уже себя в руки, ребенок!
Фигеть! И вот так в недопонимании он отпустит ее? Его самооценка же просто обвалится в этой области отношений между людьми! Как он... Нет, ты не уйдешшшшшь! (колдую, колдую...)
Ну конечно! Чего я хотела! Разумеется, еще же одна серия.
Разумеется, оба оглянутся и оба не вовремя.
Полная дисгармония у них.
Asako
Asako 4:41
Недзуми как-то сказал Сиону, что у того огромные проблемы с изъяснением своих мыслей. А он всего лишь сказал тогда, что его к Недзуми тянет.
Но у Тоору с изъяснением мыслей и чувств - которые привязали бы его к другим людям - вообще БЕДА!
Гении, вот уж!...
Asako
Asako 4:51
Вот это разговор друзей в тюрьме! Чувствую, несмотря на всю тяжесть на сердце, Асахина будет со смехом вспоминать визиты этого *ЧУДИКА*...
Тоору переводчик вообще нужен...
Чтобы японский на японский переводить.
Недзуми, тебе с Сионом еще повезло! 😭
Асахина + Тоору = полное взаимопонимание
Просто идеальный резонанс :) Приятно смотреть 🔆🙂🔆
Тоору = ИДИОТ!!!
Как я понимаю эту снисходительную улыбку Асахина!
Он вот, в отличие от меня, честно старается быть серьезным (хотя и усмехнулся под конец)))
Asako
Asako 5:02
Вот это похоже на настоящую "Next Innovation" :)
Asako
Asako 5:10
А я все еще смотрю десятую серию.
И радуюсь, что Хьюга научился идти на компромиссы (не хилые такие).
Скажи мне, когда я тебя достану ^^
Да, возродившаяся "Next Innovation" еще больше напоминает детский сад. Временами. :)
Asako
Asako 5:21
Давай, Ясуока-сан! Отвлекай ее! Пока этот идиот добежит!
Ох, я плачу... Не могу
это так здорово.
Вся компания срывается с места, потому что их лидеру надо помочь
Как большая семья.
Пестрая и дружная. Хьюга действительно гений, раз смог такое создать.
Asako
Asako 5:36
Знаешь, Насть.
Это потрясающая вещь.
Мне сейчас кажется, что если бы я на хотя бы месяцев 5 раньше ее посмотрела и посоветовала старшему брату, он бы был, возможно, еще жив.



@темы: дневник, фильмы, Asami's Diary

Асами
<Читая эту историю я отчетливо ощутила, что наша судьба - пусть это отчасти и хитросплетение независящих от нас обстоятельств - но все же, мы ее выбираем и строим сами. Как два Тоору жили разными жизнями, стремились к разным целям, интересовались разными вещами. Как Фудзисима, который полностью опрокинул предопределенное для него дрессировавшей его матерью будущее ради того единственного, что ему дорого. Счастья любимого.>

И все же вместе с тем эта история красноречиво демонстрирует, насколько велика роль независящих от тебя обстоятельств.
Один и тот же человек, Тоору.
Вот он, маленький ребенок, оказавшийся в богатой семье с одержимой хозяйкой. Брошенный матерью. Не имеющий ни одного близкого человека. В чужом неприветливом доме. В то время он - приветливый открытый мальчик. Спустя несколько лет, исполненных болью разочарования и предательства, страхом, непониманием и негодованием, он превращается в... отчаянно цепляющегося хоть за что-то в своей жизни агрессивного человека. Это что-то - его интерес и цель. Ведь больше у него ничего и никого нет. И не будет. Потому что он утратил одно из самых важных человеческих свойств - стремление и умение доверять.

И вот он - проснувшийся с чистой, как новый лист бумаги, памятью. Воспитанный, можно сказать, Фудзисима-сан. В во истину благополучной среде. Он был свободен во всем. Он был окружен заботой, которая дышала любовью. Рядом всегда была поддержка и совет благоразумного, ответственного человека. И Тоору стал спокойным и любящим взрослым.

Вот так история показывает, что человека норовит сделать его опыт, сложившийся в независимых от него обстоятельствах. И он бы, опыт, преуспел, если бы не скрытая в сердце воля.
Воля наплевавшего на обстоятельства Фудзисима спасла Тоору. Их обоих.

Не перестаю быть благодарной автору, Конохара Нарисе, подарившей миру такое глубокое, сильное, полное любви произведение.

P. P. S. Так умею только я. Оказалось, что я умудрилась, когда несколько месяцев назад скачивала эту трилогию в английском переводе, скачать вторую и третью книги в оригинале. (ошеломлена)
Ума не приложу, как я это сделала. Теперь их во всем интернете не найти. (в прострации)
Но я рада, что, по крайней мере, 2 эти тома у меня есть. Докуплю первый том - и можно перечитывать.



@темы: книги, дневник, Asami's Diary

Асами
Трилогия Конохара Нарисэ. Прочла, на одном дыхании (с пятницы, до утра воскресенья, ночами зачитываясь сперва до 4, затем до 6 утра ^^ ).
Это еще одно произведение, которое я обязательно приобрету на японском и перечитаю в оригинале.

С этой историей я познакомилась благодаря манге, которая покрывает - надо сказать, весьма подробно - пока только половину первого тома. Однако рисовка мне в манге почему-то показалась отталкивающей. Тем не менее, не знаю, в каком-то порыве отыскала и скачала роман в английском официальном переводе. И забросила, даже не начав. А вот в конце этой недели, переключившись с манги на книги после "Аристократа", вспомнила, что она у меня есть.

Я рада, что прочла это произведение. Оно оставило очень сильное впечатление.
В центре истории юноша, который в автокатастрофе теряет память. Просыпается весь в переломах и ранах в больнице и не может ответить даже на элементарный вопрос медсестры, как его зовут. Ни своего возраста, ни родителей, ни где он жил - в его памяти нет ничего. Вообще. И вот перед таким ним вдруг появляется мужчина, который заявляет, что он его друг, покрывает больничные расходы, рассказывает - правда, очень кратко, - о его прошлом. Этот человек молчаливый и вежливый. Лицо его как будто ничего не выражает. Рассказывает он мало, а от некоторых вопросов ускользает, или даже буквально убегает. Но он приходит к нему в больницу каждый день. А после выписки предлагает пожить с ним - решая проблему абсолютно растерянного юноши, которому больше идти, оказывается, некуда.
Подозрительная личность этот новоявленный друг, не так ли? Ведь все, что он говорит о прошлом Тоору может оказаться ложью. Вот только я и Тоору почему-то доверяем ему. Почему?
Потому что в охватившей и сознание, и сердце пустоте положиться больше не на кого.

Эта история заставила меня снова задуматься над тем, что для человека значит память.
Вот так, однажды проснувшись, ты не знаешь - куда там кого бы то ни было! - самого себя. Что ты до этого делал? К чему стремился? Чем дорожил? Не помнишь и то, какую роковую ошибку совершил. Не помнишь радостей детства, боли одиночества, первого друга, его предательство, побои чуть ли не до смерти, издевательства, снова побои... лед безысходности и вдруг загорающийся пожар гнева, ярости, ненависти, который и спустя годы, казалось, не унять... Но однажды ты просыпаешься - и ничего этого нет.
Ты - чистый лист. Пожалуйста, начиная сначала.
Пока прошлое не догонит тебя.

История Тоору и Фудзисима, того мужчины, который представился его другом, разделена на три отчетливые части.
1 часть и книга - о Тоору, который пытается встать на ноги после потери памяти. Как он начинает жить с молчаливым человеком, который о нем заботится. Как они постепенно становятся ближе, поскольку на чистосердечную заботу Тоору не может не ответить тем же. Как у него появляется работа, друг, который не жалеет его из-за болезни и непринужденно общается с ним. Как вдруг в его жизни появляется что-то дорогое, кто-то дорогой, появляется радость. Как эта радость порождает цель. Как он находит то, что ему нравится делать. Как он становится независимым - и как принимает серьезные решения в своей начатой с чистого листа жизни.
2 книга продолжает первую, но уже от лица Фудзисима. Что кроется в сердце этого заботливого, мягкого человека, который почти ничего о себе не говорит и почти ничего не рассказывает Тоору о его прошлом? Который не задумываясь, молча отдал все, что у него есть, чтобы только сделать Тоору счастливым. Продал семейный бизнес, главой которого он являлся; порвал все связи с родными, развелся с женой, хотя у них такая милая дочка... Но Тоору не знает. Знает только, что Фудзисима, не задумываясь, встал под удар, чтобы защитить его.
Через воспоминания этого человека мы видим его одинокое прошлое, когда его выращивали как ручное животное в клетке, приучали, что ослушаться дрессировщика означает боль, не столько физическую, сколько душевную - боль отчуждения. Мы видим, как среди беспросветной череды однообразных дней, в которой его личность, никому не нужная, постепенно угасает, появляется маленький лучик света. Как этот лучик озаряет его жизнь. Как он теряет власть на собой, над своим стремлением к нему, и отпугивает его свет. Как затем он становится свидетелем того, как его лучик затаптывают, растаптывают, а он - что "он"? он - трусливое ручное животное - не в силах пошевелиться, не в состоянии пойти наперекор, лишь стоит и смотрит.
И сколько бы времени ни прошло потом, ненависть не обратить в любовь, потерянное доверие - не вернуть...
Однако потеря памяти - какая удачная возможность, не так ли? Но для него, любящего всем сердцем и полностью осознающего свою ответственность и вину, все это совсем не так. Потому он так мягок и вместе с тем холоден. Он боится. Он знает, что он слабый и трусливый. Он может взять ответственность за здоровье Тоору, его благополучие... но больше никогда - за сердце. Пока Тоору своей, воспитанной в тепле его заботы волей не потребует этого.
3 книга - о том, как, спустя 6 лет счастливой и полной жизни Тоору однажды открывает глаза - и излечивается. Амнезия прошла. Его воспоминания вернулись. Вот только он об этом не знает. Он просто проснулся вдруг снова 22-летним. Он смотрит вокруг - и ничего не узнает. Даже себя в зеркале. Он даже не помнит автокатастрофы. 6 лет жизни потеряны - от них остались книги на полках, работа, знакомые и друзья... Но в его памяти и сердце - ничего. И более того, как он может жить в одной квартире с человеком, который его предал?
Куда бы он ни пошел - везде его преследуют друзья прежнего всеми любимого, дружелюбного, талантливого его. А настоящий он - так он себя воспринимает - никому не нужен. Настоящий он ничего не умеет. У настоящего его другие цели. Полная боли, недоверия и одиночества жизнь. И разъедающая душу пустота. Настоящий он огрызается и чуть-что поднимает кулак. Он дымит, как паровоз, и пьет, как сапожник, чтобы заснуть. Он агрессивен и нелюдим. Разве он хотел таким быть? Его таким сделали.
И лишь ненавистный ему человек почему-то заботится о нем.

Читая эту историю я отчетливо ощутила, что наша судьба - пусть это отчасти и хитросплетение независящих от нас обстоятельств - но все же, мы ее выбираем и строим сами. Как два Тоору жили разными жизнями, стремились к разным целям, интересовались разными вещами. Как Фудзисима, который полностью опрокинул предопределенное для него дрессировавшей его матерью будущее ради того единственного, что ему дорого. Счастья любимого.

То же самое и с любовью. В этой истории вполне реалистично отражено, как два таких разных Тоору начинают испытывать любовь к одному и тому же человеку. Не потому, что они якобы предначертаны друг другу судьбой. Ха! Если вспомнить их прошлое, то обстоятельства как раз были против них. Но воля Фудисима-сан перешагнуть через свою трусость и слабость и бросить все, чтобы только быть рядом с самым важным для него человеком, сама стала судьбой.
Его искренняя забота о потерявшем память Тоору, вызвала ответные чувства.
Его бескорыстная забота и молчаливая любовь смогли помочь вернувшему свои воспоминания Тоору, терявшему рассудок от одиночества и уже неконтролируемой ярости и ненависти, преодолеть душащий его мрак.
Все было бы совсем не так, - не было бы счастливого конца у этой истории - если бы Фудзисима не был рядом. А он был, несмотря ни на что.

Я восхищаюсь Фудзисима-сан. Потому и хочу перечитать эту книгу еще раз но уже вслушиваясь в его собственные слова, не переданные переводчиком.
Я восхищаюсь им не потому, что он идеальный. Он далек от этого. Он слабый и трусливый. Он простой человек. Но, несмотря на трусость, он принимал решительные, радикальные, но взвешенные решения. Несмотря на страх, боль, угнетение, безнадежность, отчаяние... оставался рядом с Тоору. Молча. Не жалуясь. Уходя без сил, в синяках и ранах, на работу. Приходя и снова терпя жестокие выходки вернувшего память дорогого ему человека. Эта его стойкость и сила спасли человека, которого раньше низвергли в пропасть разочарования его слабость и трусость. Эта его воля действительно восхищет меня.

Эта история отлично демонстрирует три разные любви, для каждой из которых есть свое слово в японском языке.
Одна - поверхностная, "нравится". Конечно, за этим словом часто скрывается больше чувств, но все же эта любовь хрупкая, робкая, неуверенная. Так потерявший память Тоору начинал взращивать свои чувства к мягкому и доброму, неловкому и неумелому, но на удивление рассудительному и взрослому Фудзисима.
Другая - страстная любовь, "кой", та самая, которая обычно случается между разными полами, но характеризуется, скорее, не этим. Ее отличительная черта - желание слиться с другим человеком, его телом и сердцем. Образовать единое целое, пусть и состоящее из двух разных частей.
Наконец, еще одна любовь - "ай", это любовь к просто почему-то самому важному для тебя на земле существу / существам. Она может сопровождаться "кой", а может и нет. Фудзисима всегда хранил в себе эту любовь "ай". С самого первого дня, когда он увидел Тоору, он постепенно развил эту любовь к нему. Почему-то в ней в какой-то момент родилась и "кой". Но, однажды потеряв контроль над "кой", он в страхе и отчаянии спрятал ее глубоко в себе. Он приглядывал за Тоору, не надеясь на благодарность. Когда Тоору потерял память, он хотел лишь помочь ему найти себя, найти любимое занятие, обеспечить его благополучие. Зная о ненависти прежнего Тоору к нему, он отталкивал стремящего сблизиться с ним Тоору, потому что не хотел причинить ему еще больше боли, если вдруг когда-нибудь его воспоминания вернутся. Если бы не настойчивость Тоору... не было бы шести счастливых лет.
За которыми последовало пробуждение. И Фудзисима снова лишь молча дарил "ай", в то время, как погружающийся все глубже и глубже на самое дно одиночества и бесчеловечности Тоору, ненавидел его. И все же, эта любовь и забота Фудзисима-сан снова возбудили ответное чувство, вспыхнувшее в Тоору с такой силой, что смогла затмить боль. Заполнила зияющую дыру одиночества. Помогла Фудзисима преодолеть боль потери - ведь прежнего "Тоору", страдавшего амнезией, прежнего человека, личности, которой он являлся шесть лет, больше не было, он безвозвратно исчез. Любовь, которой Тоору наконец ответил Фудзисима, перекрыла нанесенную ему боль ненависти и терзаний - которую Тоору всячески заставлял покорного Фудзисима испытывать на себе.

Я восхищаюсь этим тихим мужчиной, который преодолел свои страхи, выбрал свой путь. При этом он сделал все, что только мог, чтобы принести как можно меньше вреда и боли другим. Своей компании, которую передал в руки достойного человека. Своей одержимой матери. Своей жене и дочери. Тоору. Он не навязывал себя ему никогда. Он давал ему полную свободу. Быть вместе как возлюбленные - этот выбор всегда делал Тоору.
Ответственный и тихий, мягкий и заботливый, рассудительный, но неловкий Фудзисима. Добрый, стремившийся всегда любить всех вокруг, но воспитанный в одинокой клетке.
Напуганный. Ранимый. Слабый. И все же, борющийся с самим собой, вечно думающий о чувствах других.
Такой... сильный.

Огромное спасибо автору за эту историю.

P.S. Оказывается, эти книги можно прочитать на русском:
www.wattpad.com/story/32957242-%D1%85%D0%BE%D0%...
И манга, оказывается, вышла уже до конца, хотя на русский до конца не переведена.



@темы: книги, Asami's Diary, дневник :)